When people don't understand your profound GRIEF

[TooTooMommy]

Hi, I had a conversation with a dear, very close friend last night, and something
she said is REALLLY bugging me! I will definitely be talking to her about how much it bothered me, but I'd like to hear from others who've been through this.


She's known the loss of beloved dogs---as a matter of fact, she and her hubbs have decided to never have dogs again due to the heartbreak. One of the BIG differences with them is that they have "hooman" children and adorable grandchildren; we don't. I honestly TRY to understand that for HER---dogs aren't "children", just as I'm sure she TRIES to understand how Meaty and Sophie ARE our children!


Meaty turned 10 in November....obviously, we know he doesn't have much longer, but he MIGHT make it to 12 or 13. He was our FIRST puppy, FIRST dog ever. I said to my friend last night that although I also love Meaty with ALL my heart and dread his dying sooo much, hubby is Meaty's "person" and I worry about HOW heartbreaking it will be for hubbs when he dies. Meaty brings hubby joy I've never seen before! He goes to the window EVERY SINGLE Mon-Fri to wait for his Daddy.....sometimes, he waits at the window for HOURS! :D



Her reply was that he's a grown man and will get over it, and just be thankful we gave Meaty a GREAT life
. ....Can you IMAGINE anyone saying that to her hubby if he lost one of their hooman kids or grandkids? Nope, neither can I ! I have read that MANY men do NOT cry when they lose a human loved one, but they DO cry when it's a beloved pet. I have a feeling that Meaty dies, seeing my sweet hubby mourn soooo sadly will almost take over my own grieving.

Sooo, has anybully else dealt with this? Do YOU think a big part of her
comment is that she/they have hooman children, and we don't?


(I'm leaving our sweet Sophie out of this since it's already a LONG post....but I will add that last week, we THOUGHT we were going to lose her!) I posted about it in the medical forum, if anybully here has had a doggie/cat, etc. with a bleeding ulcer)




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(more info, if you feel like reading more...LOL)
We've fostered 2 precious bulldogs that are in GREAT homes now, but we also adopted 2 hospice babies. The second guy was only with us 10 months when we had to make that horri-bull choice to euthanize him. It's been over 2 years, and hubbs and I still get sad when we talk about him/ see his piks ( and I still cry).
I realize not everybully grieves the same. And although it is/ was heartbreaking, we WILL foster/ adopt again! The only reason we're not doing it recently is because of medical issues I'm having.

 

[helsonwheels]

From what you said in your post, I personally “don’t” think she said anything on the mean side. If her n hubby decided to never get another dog as it’s heartbreaking, it’s because she knows it’s hard to accept. She’s been there n done it. She has children you don’t, no body can do much about that situation either. Maybe they never grieved when they lost their dog n why she commented “he’s a grown man he’ll get over it “. Everyone grieves differently n some never will. Sometimes in situations like this is better to just let it go. Not worth getting yourself upset. Life is way too short.

 

[2BullyMama]

Although I think her comment was harsh... I agree with Helene.. it is not worth getting upset and confrontational.

You and your husband do what is best for you and the hell with what anyone else thinks or says.

BTW.. 7 yrs since Nitschke past and 4 years for Banks... my children—- I still miss and cry for them— heart hurts and tears flow.


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[Cbrugs]

I have a 21 year old human kid and two dogs. I love my dogs as if they were my children. I’ve never gone through it but I dread the day I have to say goodbye. Her comment was harsh and probably not the best choice of words...I would never tell someone oh you’ll get over it. But I agree that you shouldn’t let it get to you. And how good of a friend is this? If it really does bother you and it’s a good friend, you can definitely tell her how her comment made you feel.


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[BullyBoston]

Hi TooToo Mommy!! Some people don't think about what comes out of their mouths. And people do react differently to situations/deaths, etc. I personally am with you and would be devastated to lose my 2 fur babies. They are like my children. I have a 24 year old human daughter BTW. My husband got me my 3 yo EB as a birthday present primarily BC we could not have any children after trying for 3-4 years. When either of my fur babies pass I will for sure be devastated. I belong to several bulldog groups on Facebook and follow this forum and so many bulldog owners on FB and IG. Sometimes I want to get off the groups BC so many post there stories when their dear bulldogs pass and it makey heart hurt so much. It makes me think of when the time comes to lose my 2 babies. It sucks that there are people that don't understand the deep love we have for our fur babies. They are not worth less to us too. People simply cannot understand or relate unfortunately. But if you want to just let her know how you felt about her comments and how they matter to you and your husband. There is no need for an argument...it's just a convo to tell her how you feel and that her comment hurt your feelings. A true friend would understand. Thank you for rescuing these precious fur babies and hope your medical issues passed soon! Be well!! [emoji173]

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[Lalaloopsie]

I have 16 yo daughter and an EB. My daughter says I’m crazy and annoying with all my preaching about studying well, eating healthy etc. My bulldog thinks I’m a flawless goddess and catches my every movement and word. He will never trade time with me for anything (ok, may only with his bowl of food:D ). No other creature in the world loves you like a dog. So I would argue about which kids are better kids - Skin or fur kids.
Some people can relate to dogs as dogs. I cannot. I cannot see them suffering, it is very much alike to seeing small kids being sick, because both are innocent and did nothing wrong to deserve this pain (adult people sometimes do things to their own health like drinking, smoking, overeating etc). After my previous dog died in great suffering I was depressed for months and refused to get a dog for around 12 years. But then I saw bulldog puppies...
I wouldn’t discuss with your friend her position about dogs/kids, because for many people it is kind of blasphemy to compare grief over loss of dog to grief over loss of human. But I’m absolutely with you. And many others!
In the end, if to bring it to the brink of absurd, death of a good dog who made Happy his family is much more sad than a death of a mean person who killed someone. It’s all about perspective!

 

[tigertanktoo]

I'm not sure how your friend was feeling when she said that, but I too don't think it was meant in a negative way towards you or your pets. Everyone Grieves for the things they loved and lost. I lost a son who was only 34 years old, 15 months ago. He's was my youngest of three boys. I grieve for my two legged kids and my four legged kids. I had a 14 yr old Pug, and a 15 yr old Boston Terrier and lost them both at different times. I cried for a very long time each time I lost one of them. I still grieve for my boy and my furbabys. I've got a 12 yr old Cocker Spaniel named Charlie and I am dreading the day that he crosses over the rainbow bridge. He's my bestest buddy. My bullyboy Gabe is 4 yrs old and I hope he sticks around for a very long time. Charlie is Gabes older brother (and also his pillow). Family is family no matter how many legs they have. It's every parents right to grieve for the loss of a loved one.

 

[2BullyMama]

I'm not sure how your friend was feeling when she said that, but I too don't think it was meant in a negative way towards you or your pets. Everyone Grieves for the things they loved and lost. I lost a son who was only 34 years old, 15 months ago. He's was my youngest of three boys. I grieve for my two legged kids and my four legged kids. I had a 14 yr old Pug, and a 15 yr old Boston Terrier and lost them both at different times. I cried for a very long time each time I lost one of them. I still grieve for my boy and my furbabys. I've got a 12 yr old Cocker Spaniel named Charlie and I am dreading the day that he crosses over the rainbow bridge. He's my bestest buddy. My bullyboy Gabe is 4 yrs old and I hope he sticks around for a very long time. Charlie is Gabes older brother (and also his pillow). Family is family no matter how many legs they have. It's every parents right to grieve for the loss of a loved one.

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(((Hugs)))


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[TooTooMommy]

[MENTION=18933]tigertanktoo[/MENTION].....I am so very sorry for the loss of your son, and all your furbabies!
I lost my brother 10 years ago--I absolutely adored him, and there were times I cried SO hard,
I was afraid the tears would never stop.

Many (( hugs )) to you!

 

[tigertanktoo]

Many (( hugs )) to you!


Loss of any life is tragic, especially with loved ones. Thank you and many hugs back.

 

[Manydogs]

I have had many dogs in my life. I also have 2 human sons. My dogs give me more attention and love than either of my sons. It does not hurt any less, no matter how many dogs you have had,when you lose them. It seems the heart always has more room,no matter how much the hurt. People who could say something to you like "get over it" or "he'll get over it" have put a wall around their heart. That is why they would never get another dog. If you truly,truly LOVE dogs, you could not WANT to live without one.
You never really get over it, but eventually, you get through it.

 

[2BullyMama]

I have had many dogs in my life. I also have 2 human sons. My dogs give me more attention and love than either of my sons. It does not hurt any less, no matter how many dogs you have had,when you lose them. It seems the heart always has more room,no matter how much the hurt. People who could say something to you like "get over it" or "he'll get over it" have put a wall around their heart. That is why they would never get another dog. If you truly,truly LOVE dogs, you could not WANT to live without one.
You never really get over it, but eventually, you get through it.

Well stated!!! [emoji3590][emoji3590][emoji3590]


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[harveyspecter]

I have had many dogs in my life. I also have 2 human sons. My dogs give me more attention and love than either of my sons. It does not hurt any less, no matter how many dogs you have had,when you lose them. It seems the heart always has more room,no matter how much the hurt. People who could say something to you like "get over it" or "he'll get over it" have put a wall around their heart. That is why they would never get another dog. If you truly,truly LOVE dogs, you could not WANT to live without one.
You never really get over it, but eventually, you get through it.

Amen I tell ya, this young lady is just full of wisdom.

 

[ddnene]

I have 2 children (24 son & 18 daughter), 1 grandson and I have had several fur-kids... starting from cats to now bulldogs and everything in-between. Obviously the relationship you have with your skin-kids is completely different than your fur-kids, but I have nurtured them and loved them completely. I consider them ALL to be my children...

Many people say the wrong things to those of us grieving, especially when it comes to our fur-kids... and it's because they don't understand. I don't believe that they want to hurt our feelings, they have just kept their heart at a distance. I believe that MANY of us on here do NOT know how to do that, and WE are the lucky ones!!! To love completely is always a risk, at some point we have to say good-bye... and truth be told I think that is the ONLY way to LOVE

 

[TooTooMommy]

I have had many dogs in my life. I also have 2 human sons. My dogs give me more attention and love than either of my sons. It does not hurt any less, no matter how many dogs you have had,when you lose them. It seems the heart always has more room,no matter how much the hurt. People who could say something to you like "get over it" or "he'll get over it" have put a wall around their heart. That is why they would never get another dog. If you truly,truly LOVE dogs, you could not WANT to live without one.
You never really get over it, but eventually, you get through it.

Thank you, everybully!
I bolded the above from [MENTION=8741]Manydogs[/MENTION] because it REALLY helped me to realize that she DOES have a bit of a wall around her heart, and she totally admits it. For her, it is much easier to make somewhat flippant comments that she does NOT mean in a hurtful way at all. I have to remember that we all deal with loss and grief differently. She has not only lost sweet doggies, but she also lost her Mom when she was 16----that obviously had a HUGE, sad impact on her life that she and her sister and I have talked about a lot.

I was SO taken aback and saddened by her comment at the time; but looking back, I realize that I was being self-centered because I would EXPECT anybully to say something kind and empathetic, but that's just not how everyone rolls.


I have another close friend who has FOUR bulldogs and her parents, hubbs, children, AND grandchildren tease her "your bulldogs are treated better than ALL OF US!" She treats ALL her hoomans very well, too, they just tease her (my family does, too, saying they WISH they had the lives of Meaty and Sophie...hee hee!) They're a very fun, LOUD, silly, loving family who joke around a LOT, just as mine does. We both also get teased for our doggies having more clothes, hats, costumesand BEDS than WE do....LOL!

She lost her very first bulldog suddenly when he was only five This was about 3 years ago, and she STILL worries that she missed signs / symptoms that could have saved him from his heart attack, she still cries over him very often, etc. Again----she and I are the same in that way---my other friend isn't---and I just have to accept that! If I'd had the same convo with her about worrying about how my hubbs will grieve when Meaty dies, it would have been completely different, because she is very open with her emotions, tears, etc....just as I am.

For my friend who made the flippant remark, I think for her---grief is SO horrible, sad, and scary---it's easier to say things like she did, and I just have to accept it. I think she feels the same way I felt when I lost my brother---that I honestly thought I would NEVER stop crying, and that was scary and hard! My hubbs also suggested that it's probably better just to NOT talk about doggies dying with her, and I think he's right! She also has never understood why we go through the heartache of fostering/ adopting hospice bulldogs, so, once again, I think hubbs is right that doggies just AREN'T something
she and I should talk about anymore.

Thanks again, everybully!