Sometimes pee can be the greatest miracle. I have worked at 2 vet clinics, and I can tell you, there were whoops and joy and jumping
over a wet blankie! Hang in there. I am praying for you both.
I'm glad I'm not the only one overjoyed to be wearing a wet shirt then
As I just told Roe, we don't know how much time she has left with us. All I know is that she is nearing the end of her journey. It's a journey that I feel blessed to have been on with her. I have learned so much for her and from her. I am going to give her as much time as she needs to finish whatever business God has put her here to do. She is in His hands now. There is nothing more that I can do.
Most of the time I think that I have done all that was possible. But there are times I think I have failed her - that there was something that could have been done but wasn't. I know everyone here thinks I have gone above and beyond for her. My family and her doctors feel that way too. When I picked her up I had to hear a 20 speech on how she wouldn't have made it this far without me. What a GREAT job I have done. Like I'm some kind of hero or something. But I didn't do anything that any of you wouldn't have done for your babies. That doesn't make me special, I think it makes me quite normal. Not a single one of you here would have done anything less because you are ALL amazing, special people.
But I can't shake this feeling that something was missing, like I forgot something. Something important that could have given her more time. She was supposed to have more time! And as wonderful as everyone has been, I can't help but feel a little jealous. You all get to watch your babies grow old. You get to deal with things like arthritis and rotting teeth. That makes me an absolutely HORRIBLE person and I know those feelings of jealousy and resentment are punishing Abby today. Not resentment towards any one here, just at life in general. I resent the unfairness and randomness of it all.
I've been reading a book to Abby at night during our subQ fluids time together. I know it's crazy to read to her but it makes me feel better. I like to think that the sound of my voice during that uncomfortable time she has a needle stuck in her back makes it a little more bearable for her. The book is called "Bones would rain from the sky" by Suzanne Clothier. In one of the chapters, the one called Matters of the Heart, she writes...
In any relationship, there is one inescapable reality: To love anything is to risk loss. And a relationship with an animal carries a double-edged sword. While we enjoy the unconditional love of our animals, we know that odds are are better than good that even if they enjoy a long and healthy life, we will outlive them. We accept this reality and the eventual tide of grief that accompanies it because in the moments between our first reaching out to an animal and when we finally let go, what we receive are riches beyond measure. Yet, as we do for our own lives, we hinge our daily sanity on the fragile belief that our animals will be granted full, long lives, that the inevitable is years away. Marcel Prouse wrote, "we say that the hour of death cannot be forcast, but when we say this we imagine that hour as placed in an obscure and distant future. It never occurs to us that it has any connection with the day already begun or that death could arrive this same afternoon, this afternoon which is so certain and which every hour filled in advance" Years are measured out to us in seconds, and thus it seems when looking forward that the end is a long way away. Looking back, we know it was a very brief time indeed.
Hug your babies for me. Give them big sloppy kisses don't ever get mad at them. Don't be frustrated when you have a hard time finding the right foods or when they chew up the carpet. Be thankful for every second that you get to spend with them, never ever take those seconds for granted because not everyone gets that time. Those seconds add up to hours then days then years and that's time that you can never get back. If I have learned anything from this nightmare that we have been living it's to never waste a second of life. Promise me and Abby that you won't waste them. Promise us!
I have to go. Abby just peed on the carpet
Keep improving Abby!
to you both and hugs from me.
