MY 12 year old has turned into a B R A T Help needed from other parents.

[dozersmama]

So I need help from all of the parents on the forum. My 12 yo son is becoming incorrigible. He is argumentative and out right rude at times. This is something that has never been allowed in my house. We use manners, we are respectful and we follow the rules. I am not a tyrant but I am also not a push over. We have some rules and there are consequences for not following them. My son constantly argues about things he doesn't feel he should do. He gives me dirty looks , rolls his eyes, makes rude comments to me. I asked him to go to bed at 11:15 last night ( he doesn't have school today) He argued with me. I explained to him that he didn't need to be up any later and tomorrow is back to normal bed time so he needs to be in bed. He still argued. I ignored him and simply said go to bed. NO yelling nothing out of control. He still tried to argue but at that point I walked away. I found him at midnight hiding in the dining room downstairs watching the living room tv. Now this takes gumption because I was sitting in the freaking living room. He didn't want to watch what I was watching he just wanted to disobey me. UGH. When my kids were younger I spanked them on occasion. Not often but I am not opposed to it either. I feel like he is too old for spanking at this point .....but boy did I think about it! I want so badly to tell him how lucky he is because even at his age if I argued with my mom I got smacked . I didn't often argue as you could guess.
Today he is writing a one page report on how much sleep a child his age needs, why a consistent bed time is important and what happens if you do not get enough sleep. He wanted to question me , so I felt it was appropriate for him to find these answers on his own.

He hates me right now! He is doing everything in his power to get out of it. I am pretty much just ignoring his stalling, but I am about at my wits end. How did this happen, when did my kid turn into a monster and how did I allow it? Any advice would be hugely appreciated. Btw I have tried grounding him and taking away privileges, but that really doesn't help much

 

[Jack Daniels]

Hi Jen
I think the report you are making him do is a super idea. Stick to it Dont give in.
IF he doesnt do it them take his most prized priveledge away for "X" amount if time.
I know you said taking priveledges away hasnt work but you need to keep doing it regardless.

He's starting to test you now so its more important then ever to stick to your house rules and morals.


Find out if he made a new buddy at school / Facebook (?) . Something or someone may be influencing him to be a badass wanna-be ..


Good Luck, let us know how it goes with the report...

 

[2BullyMama]

UGH.... sorry, I am not a Mom, but I can give advice from an aunt prespective as I have 20 nephews - every blessed one of them turned into a BRAT right around the age of 12/13 and it lasted till like 15/16. They are never too old for a good spank across the butt, in my opinion. I do not think it is a matter of you 'allowing it' to happen, it seems to be more related to nature and the preverbial phase. Each of the boys responded differently to what my sisters/brothers did --- spank, punishment, taking away privleges - what worked for one, may not have worked for the others.

It will be a bumpy road for you, but it might be good to sit him down, have a Mom/son talk and ask why he feels the need to behave in this manner? What is he trying to get... attention, a reaction? Maybe, if yu get him to think about what he is doing...... GOOD LUCK!!

 

[Lucy-licious]

Well I'm no good either...my youngest son is 12 and still ok and easy to reason with. My eldest is 21, and well maybe I should stop there as I get so angry and upset about him. I have nothing good to say! so I won't....he convinced me a month or so before his bday in August that he had turned a corner I found out 2days later he was worse than ever.

 

[dozersmama]

@lucy-licious i'm sorry to hear you are struggling with this. Wish I could offer some advice to you but well you see where i'm at so ...here's about all I can do

 

[anatess]

I have good news and bad news...

Good News - completely normal. Completely.

Bad News - it lasts for years (usually around 16)... so yeah, might as well get used to it.

A 12-year-old boy (and girl, for that matter) is going through A LOT of changes at this age. They instinctively want to be independent but are not yet quite sure how to reconcile wanting-to-be-independent with I-have-a-mommy. It's like a fledging bird - they want to flap their wings and fly around but doesn't quite know yet what their wings are capable of, so they jump off the perch and fall straight down.

It seems like it takes them 4 years to finally "get it" that they can still be independent and like their mommy at the same time. So, if you understand this, then you can guide him through it without breaking his independent spirit yet preventing him from falling off the perch at the same time. It's quite a tricky thing.

So, what is important at this time: Keep your relationship strong. So that, no matter what he does and what you do (yes, we're not perfect, so we can make mistakes too and that's just okay), your bond is strong enough to withstand it. Action: Take him out to quality one-on-one time. A lot. Turn off the TV/ipod in the car. Use this time to talk instead. Play with him, maintain interest in all his activities, go to his games, invite his friends over, talk to him before bedtime (tuck him in, even). Share your problems even. Allow him to help you solve problems. Yes, you can ask him if he thinks your dress makes you look fat. Be prepared for the unvarnished truth. :D

Pick your battles. In your situation about bedtime, I wouldn't make a battle of it. But that's just because I never did battle bedtimes when my 2 sons were little (they're age 8 and 10 now). What I did was - I set the bedtime, explain to them the consequences of not going to bed early. If they refuse to go to bed, I don't fuss with it. BUT, I wake them up at exactly the same time in the morning! Yep, even if that means they only get 2 hours of sleep! Kids instinctively require 10 hours of sleep, they will soon realize they have to go to bed or suffer the consequence of being a zombie the next day. If you don't have house rules yet, write them all now. If you already have one, amend it to fit a 12-year-old's lifestyle. Your 12-year-old will need clear boundaries. If-Else scenarios. For example: If you use a swear word, you lose your TV for a day. If you don't sleep at the proper time, you will not be able to sleep over or have sleep-overs for 3 months. If you lie, you will lose your x-box for a month. If you fight with your brother, you will walk to school for a week. All the way to, if you smoke, you will attend Huntington Learning Center after school for the entire school year. If you use drugs, you will be sent to juvenile hall. Capital punishment is not necessary but if you feel you have to, make sure you write it down in the rules - you call your mother a bitch, 10 lashes with the belt. And more importantly, you must be ready to enforce the rules. Always. No fail. No excuses. "But, I had to lie because..." Nope. No x-box for a month. "But, my birthday is tomorrow, I need my x-box for the bday party!" Nope. Sorry. Remember, you are the parent, not the friend. You can be both, but you are the parent first and foremost, so you are the enforcer.

You don't have to have everything thought of in the rules - you can amend it as you go along. Just make sure the rules are clear and fair and well-understood.

Enroll your kid in sports and scouting. Scouting especially. It's a great program for helping a 12-year-old through their 12-year-oldness... My husband and his father are Scout Masters. Their training includes understanding a boy's life stages (this is really where I learned all this stuff - my husband is currently the scout leader for 11-year-old scouts).

And, finally, you will lose your cool. That's inevitable. Take your time out. Walk away. Save money so that when you lose your cool, you can go to the spa and get a massage or buy some shoes or something. No battle is important enough to lash out at your kid in anger. It's more important to keep that bond strong.

Hope some of these ideas help...

P.S. I really wanted a daughter, but now that my kids are 8 and 10, I'm kinda happy I don't have one. Dealing with a 12-year-old daughter is 10 times more difficult - it's a lot of emotional stuff... (this boy looked at me funny...). My brother-in-law has 4 daughters, 3 of which are teen-agers. And man-o-man!

 

[dozersmama]

[MENTION=2874]anatess[/MENTION] omg forget the kids will you adopt me lol. Thanks I will use a lot of this advice. I do try to let little things go but the disrespect and out right defiance is one of the 7 deadly sins in my house. I need to be more patient and will try and if not i'm sending him to you.

 

[bulldog family]

Wow!! This will help me. I have a defiant 10 year old boy. I take things from him and make him earn it back. He was down to his bed and his desk in his room before and that night got made and threw his mattress off the bed. I removed it and he had to sleep on the hard board. He's getting better now, I haven't had to do anything that like that in a while. It takes time and patience.