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Thread: I need to talk...

  1. #1
    Kennel Cleaner BarkingStella's Avatar
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    Default I need to talk...

    I am pretty new to the forum. I have 3 beautiful bulldog girls. My bulldog, Angus died 5 months ago. I am really struggling. I think I let him down. Intellectually, I know that is untrue.
    Some background...I was an addiction counselor for many years...burned out and worked in veterinary hospitals for many years. I was present when angus was born, loved him the moment I saw him. We had a healthy 8 years. He started limping, long story short the vet suspected bone cancer. We had to wait a month to re-X-ray. It was a front leg, he was very chest heavy and I knew we could not amputate if it was cancer. I made peace with that. I was elated when it turned out to be arthritis. I hated it, but we could deal with it. About a month later, he seemed to have choked, my husband thought he choked on a stick. We live in a rural area, it is an hour to the vet. Got some benedryl and prednisone. Had a return appointment but he wasn't improving, so went in early and saw the associate vet. She said he was probably just healing slow and keep an eye on him and stuck with what we were doing. Totally deteriorated over the next couple of days. We headed to the vet, knew we weren't going to make it, so stopped at the large animal practice on the way. We had him on oxygen, and I asked the vet if we should try to get him to his bulldog vet or stay there. He honestly thought we needed to go on, and sent us his oxygen machine. We almost made at, my husband driving like a madman, and me trying to save my dog. But we didn't, and I carried my dead baby boy into the vet. Our bulldog vet was waiting, even though it was his day off, and did an autopsy. Angus had hypertrophic cardiomyopathy. It is what makes healthy young athletes drop dead. I have had dogs most of my life. I have made the decision when it was "time". It has been awful. I have held other peoples pets when they are euthanized. I would never have put Angus through that last week. I should have insisted on an x ray when we saw the associate vet. He deserved a better passing. I would have told him to let go.
    I don't know why I feel the need to tell this story. I guess it was so traumatic that I haven't been able to tell it out loud. I miss him, his smell, his snore, his white eyelashes...
    My Stella pup, I got her when we had the bone cancer scare, cause I was not wanting to "replace" Angus. I had trouble bonding at first, but that is fine...she is a spectacular pup. Peggy and Gabby are retired breeding and show dogs, so I haven't had them since they are pups. I love them all. It seems that Angus was just one of those once in a lifetime dogs...
    Thanks for listening...It helps to just talk about it.

  2. #2
    Dog Park Attendant Noyes27's Avatar
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    So sorry for your loss. Atleast he was in your arms and not alone, and it didn't turn out to be a stick or anything else you could have done differently. He knew he was loved right up until the end.

    Sent from my GT-P3113 using Tapatalk 2

  3. #3
    mabel lou
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    Default Re: I need to talk...

    Well you talk and write all your feelings anytime,any day, anyway you want to. I enjoyed hearing about your special baby. Thank you for sharing with us.

  4. #4
    Bulldog Vet in Training Become a 4 Paw Member
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    Default Re: I need to talk...

    I feel your pain my husband an I just went through it in march he was 14 years old my husband had him since he was 6 weeks old he was mine for the last 7 I called him mine cause he listen to me a lot better then his dad lol I don't know what happened he got sick one day an it just kept getting worse by the end he couldn't walk his testicles died inside of the sac he had to get surgery then it got really bad he started to get these sores all over his body his feet got huge he wasn't eating or going to the bathroom the vet didn't have any answers so we decided it was time it was so hard to make that choice I still think about him everyday I even dream about him everyone in are town new who he was he was loved by many. I'm so very sorry for your loss I know it was the one dog that was so special you think you will never have a dog like him again but at least we still have room in are hearts for more dogs that could be like the ones we lost

  5. #5
    Bully lovin' movie buff Become a 4 Paw Member
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    Default Re: I need to talk...

    Thank you for your story although Im sure it is hard you should feel proud of the owner you are you gave him a long life! I hope you get to bond with your puppy and that eases your pain!

  6. #6
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    Default Re: I need to talk...

    I'm so glad you shared this. It's important to know many of us have struggled along the same path you are on. We have lost too many very special dogs and cats. We lost a wonderful Rottie to bone cancer. From the time she was diagnosed to the time we had to make that horrible last trip to the vets, was just 3 short weeks. While I will be forever grateful to have had that time with her, it was filled with worry and the anxiety of "when was the right time?". A few months before Ana was diagnosed, we lost a most wonderful dog and we had reached the decision that we waited too long. Mac had gone in and out of the vets, with symptoms of a stroke, but nothing was diagnosed. He was an old guy and we just couldn't say it's time. But after seeing him as he lay, unable to move, but knowing he knew we were right there, I felt overwhelmingly guilty. I realized we had pushed his time too long. And not for him, but for us. Mac was a "once in a lifetime" dog too. A stray mixed breed and the kind of guy that everyone loved. He had been rescued off the streets of L.A. by my hubby. Mac spent the rest of his life, letting us know how much he loved us. The final goodbye was so very hard. Every tech and vet at the hospital was openly crying. He brought out the best in ALL of us.

    So...just know, to love a dog, is to give your heart totally. When they go, they take a piece of your heart...but I'm convinced, a piece of theirs fills the void eventually. You will discover there are many "dogs in a lifetime". They each teach us something different. Its up to us to figure out exactly what that is. We do the best we can. You loved Angus with all your heart. He will be in yours forever.
    Last edited by JAKEISGREAT; 10-25-2012 at 01:25 AM.

  7. #7
    Norwegian Rose Become a 4 Paw Member
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    Default Re: I need to talk...

    i am so sorry for your loss, if i was there i would give you a big hug. i too am new to this site, and there are a lot of wonderful people on here, that arre helpful, and informative when it comes to bulldogs. Each one has experience in some area, and arealways ready to help and answer questions, or in your case to lend an ear and listen. i am a new bulldog owner, i have 2 new puppies, so have not had to deal with the heartache of losing one of my babies, but i had a Jack Russell for 14 years and she died 2 years ago, from cancer, so i know what it is to lose a loved pet. You should not blame yourself, you could not know that he had heart problems, people die from this and it isnt found or known about until after they pass away. you did everything you could by taking him to the vet, and you were there with him, i"m sure he knew you were there, and he knew you loved him, I'm sure he felt that. Its not easy to lose a loved pet, we get so attatched to their little personalities, and its hard when they pass, you will always have the memories of him, and I am glad you found another bully to love, they give us so much. I hope your grief will slowly be replaced with your fond memories of Angus, and that you can heal from this.

  8. #8
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    Default Re: I need to talk...

    Hugs to you! You r far from alone and ebn is the best place for grief and healing. We all may not understand the loss you feel yet but we all do understand that love. The bond we all share as bully parents is a strong one. Thank you for sharing and please continue to as you need.

  9. #9
    Lucy-licious
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    Default Re: I need to talk...

    You didn't let him down, you put your trust in the vet techs knowledge.
    You held him in your arms during his last moments, you showed him he was loved and he passed on knowing it

    Talk and rant any time you need to but please dont blame yourself.

  10. #10
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    Default Re: I need to talk...

    Quote Originally Posted by Lucy-licious View Post
    You didn't let him down, you put your trust in the vet techs knowledge.
    You held him in your arms during his last moments, you showed him he was loved and he passed on knowing it

    Talk and rant any time you need to but please dont blame yourself.
    I completely agree.

  11. #11
    Bully lovin' gypsy Become a 4 Paw Member
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    Default Re: I need to talk...

    Thank you for sharing your story. You will never replace him, but you have two other dogs that will have a special place in your heart as well! And Angus has given us all a lesson, I'm sure his story will help others who may have similar issues - they will know what to do. That is his gift to all of us

  12. #12
    I will show you my thingy if you show me yours! Become a 4 Paw Member
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    Default Re: I need to talk...

    You know when we suddenly lost Heff the vet asked if I wished to have an autopsy performed. For some reason I could not stand the thought of Heff getting cut up and dissected so I elected to not have one done. I do not for one moment regret that decision. No ruling in the world would ever bring him back so I saw no reason in it. I do however feel really bad having just left him dead in the room with the vet afterwards. I wish I would of had him cremated. Your mind tends to not think straight in times of panic and fear.

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