Need some advice...

[anatess]

I don't really have advice. But, I'm going to relate what I went through with my dad and the lessons I learned just in case you'll find it useful. I have to touch on religious things though so I hope you don't mind religion on EBN.

My dad was diagnosed with Stage IV lung cancer in Feb 2011 that has metastasized to his ribs. Stage IV lung cancer, for those who are familiar with cancer is a 6-month life expectancy. My dad took the news pretty well. My brother is his doctor and he was very open with the expectations and my dad requested that we don't do anything. He wants to just live his life naturally for how many days he has left. They called me and the rest of my siblings to break the news and my dad's decision and I was not having it. I'm the type of person that is not comfortable with just giving up without a fight! It just so happens that I work with a woman whose mother has been living with lung cancer for 10 years! She's in this clinical trial for Avastin which is keeping her alive. She gets her Avastin dosage monthly, she's in terrible state for 3 days and then she's okay for the next 3 weeks until the next dose. It's not a cure. It is a drug that simply prevents the cancer to spread. But it has given her 10 years (almost 13 now).

So, I told my brother and my sister (a nurse) to find every possible way to get him in this trial. My parents and my brother live in the Philippines, my sister live in Houston. She found a trial in Houston and was able to get my dad in it. So, we pooled money to fly my parents and my brother to Houston. 2 years later, it was not looking good. The drug was giving my dad terrible side effects. He was getting weak so much so that he can't walk anymore. He went on a depression and finally my sister asked my dad what would make him happy. My dad said he wants to go home. We were all devastated. We really thought he has a chance with this clinical trial. We just need to tweak it a bit and get him into physical therapy, etc. But he said he wants to go home.

So, my brother flew him home and we pooled our resources again to come up with $7,000 a month to pay for the drug outside of the trial and everything else he needs as my dad has no medical insurance in the Philippines. In May of this year, he passed away.

My dad was a great man who has touched plenty of lives. He was so loved that the funeral procession was a mile long just for the people on foot, not counting the ones in cars and the ones lining the streets to throw coins and flowers. People came from all over the world to pay their respects.

For the 2.5 years that I fought this battle, I came to understand what Christ has taught us about life. Why my dad? My dad has never smoked all his life, doesnt drink alcohol except very occasionally, doesn't go to clubs or casinos or places with lots of smoke, and he lives a healthy lifestyle with good nutrition and exercise. Yet, he has lung cancer. His brothers are smokers, drinkers, casino and club goers... they are fine. Why is my dad punished when he is a great man? My sister said God's ways are a mystery. But I found that this is not so. I learned that God put us on earth to act and be acted upon. God's greatest gift to man is free will. But how can we act and exercise our free will if there's nothing to act upon? This has become so clear to me. My dad's illness is not for my dad. My day's illness was for me and my siblings. To gauge our mettle. My brother's mettle as a doctor and my sister's mettle as a nurse was pushed to the max. It is different to care for the medical needs of strangers or even friends. It is entirely a different level for a dad. My mettle as an aggressive, proud person was severely tested. My mom handled everything with amazing, almost miraculous, grace.

I am not sure if my mettle was worthy in God's eyes. I fought hard against my dad's wishes in the first 2 years. I told him, "you are going to Houston because you might be ready to die but I am not!" But in those 2 years, I have learned true service. I would wake up at 5am every morning to make my dad's breakfast and he would tell me how awful the food is, etc.. I was angry. Grumbling to myself about how ungrateful he is and how ornery he is and how I'm doing all these sacrifices and he doesn't even just smile and tell me what a good daughter I am. I realized then... am I serving my dad because I want something in return? I want thank you, or praise, or something that makes ME feel better? No! I am serving because I love my dad! I should not need gratitude or anything because my satisfaction is in the opportunity to serve my dad. And this brings another teaching of Christ to my heart. True love is service and true love rejoices in the service itself and not the glory of it or any love it gets in return. So, when I ponder on Christ hanging on the cross getting stabbed on the sides and he still proclaimed, "Father, forgive them.", I understood it. I went through a very tiny sliver of it with my dad. And it has made me see my love for my husband and my own children in a different light.

So that, by the time my dad died, I was ready. I was ready because I honestly and truly surrendered on my knees praying and telling Him, "Thy will be done."

 

[boomsboo]

My heart just breaks for you... you have already dealt with the loss of your brother As you can see on this thread, MANY of us have dealt w/this... you are NOT alone!!! If you need to vent/cry or whatever, please don't hold back... we are all here for you every step of the way!!!

Thank you! I can't believe how sweet everyone is on here. I am glad I have you all to talk to! It makes a big difference!

 

[boomsboo]

I don't really have advice. But, I'm going to relate what I went through with my dad and the lessons I learned just in case you'll find it useful. I have to touch on religious things though so I hope you don't mind religion on EBN.

My dad was diagnosed with Stage IV lung cancer in Feb 2011 that has metastasized to his ribs. Stage IV lung cancer, for those who are familiar with cancer is a 6-month life expectancy. My dad took the news pretty well. My brother is his doctor and he was very open with the expectations and my dad requested that we don't do anything. He wants to just live his life naturally for how many days he has left. They called me and the rest of my siblings to break the news and my dad's decision and I was not having it. I'm the type of person that is not comfortable with just giving up without a fight! It just so happens that I work with a woman whose mother has been living with lung cancer for 10 years! She's in this clinical trial for Avastin which is keeping her alive. She gets her Avastin dosage monthly, she's in terrible state for 3 days and then she's okay for the next 3 weeks until the next dose. It's not a cure. It is a drug that simply prevents the cancer to spread. But it has given her 10 years (almost 13 now).

So, I told my brother and my sister (a nurse) to find every possible way to get him in this trial. My parents and my brother live in the Philippines, my sister live in Houston. She found a trial in Houston and was able to get my dad in it. So, we pooled money to fly my parents and my brother to Houston. 2 years later, it was not looking good. The drug was giving my dad terrible side effects. He was getting weak so much so that he can't walk anymore. He went on a depression and finally my sister asked my dad what would make him happy. My dad said he wants to go home. We were all devastated. We really thought he has a chance with this clinical trial. We just need to tweak it a bit and get him into physical therapy, etc. But he said he wants to go home.

So, my brother flew him home and we pooled our resources again to come up with $7,000 a month to pay for the drug outside of the trial and everything else he needs as my dad has no medical insurance in the Philippines. In May of this year, he passed away.

My dad was a great man who has touched plenty of lives. He was so loved that the funeral procession was a mile long just for the people on foot, not counting the ones in cars and the ones lining the streets to throw coins and flowers. People came from all over the world to pay their respects.

For the 2.5 years that I fought this battle, I came to understand what Christ has taught us about life. Why my dad? My dad has never smoked all his life, doesnt drink alcohol except very occasionally, doesn't go to clubs or casinos or places with lots of smoke, and he lives a healthy lifestyle with good nutrition and exercise. Yet, he has lung cancer. His brothers are smokers, drinkers, casino and club goers... they are fine. Why is my dad punished when he is a great man? My sister said God's ways are a mystery. But I found that this is not so. I learned that God put us on earth to act and be acted upon. God's greatest gift to man is free will. But how can we act and exercise our free will if there's nothing to act upon? This has become so clear to me. My dad's illness is not for my dad. My day's illness was for me and my siblings. To gauge our mettle. My brother's mettle as a doctor and my sister's mettle as a nurse was pushed to the max. It is different to care for the medical needs of strangers or even friends. It is entirely a different level for a dad. My mettle as an aggressive, proud person was severely tested. My mom handled everything with amazing, almost miraculous, grace.

I am not sure if my mettle was worthy in God's eyes. I fought hard against my dad's wishes in the first 2 years. I told him, "you are going to Houston because you might be ready to die but I am not!" But in those 2 years, I have learned true service. I would wake up at 5am every morning to make my dad's breakfast and he would tell me how awful the food is, etc.. I was angry. Grumbling to myself about how ungrateful he is and how ornery he is and how I'm doing all these sacrifices and he doesn't even just smile and tell me what a good daughter I am. I realized then... am I serving my dad because I want something in return? I want thank you, or praise, or something that makes ME feel better? No! I am serving because I love my dad! I should not need gratitude or anything because my satisfaction is in the opportunity to serve my dad. And this brings another teaching of Christ to my heart. True love is service and true love rejoices in the service itself and not the glory of it or any love it gets in return. So, when I ponder on Christ hanging on the cross getting stabbed on the sides and he still proclaimed, "Father, forgive them.", I understood it. I went through a very tiny sliver of it with my dad. And it has made me see my love for my husband and my own children in a different light.

So that, by the time my dad died, I was ready. I was ready because I honestly and truly surrendered on my knees praying and telling Him, "Thy will be done."

Wow! You're story really touched me! I am honestly speechless! I'm so sorry for the loss of your father but I am so glad that you got through it the way that you did. You definately shed new light on me. I am not too religious but I do believe in God and if this is a test for me I hope I can figure it out and better understand it. Thank you for sharing that with me.

 

[ddnene]

I don't really have advice. But, I'm going to relate what I went through with my dad and the lessons I learned just in case you'll find it useful. I have to touch on religious things though so I hope you don't mind religion on EBN.

My dad was diagnosed with Stage IV lung cancer in Feb 2011 that has metastasized to his ribs. Stage IV lung cancer, for those who are familiar with cancer is a 6-month life expectancy. My dad took the news pretty well. My brother is his doctor and he was very open with the expectations and my dad requested that we don't do anything. He wants to just live his life naturally for how many days he has left. They called me and the rest of my siblings to break the news and my dad's decision and I was not having it. I'm the type of person that is not comfortable with just giving up without a fight! It just so happens that I work with a woman whose mother has been living with lung cancer for 10 years! She's in this clinical trial for Avastin which is keeping her alive. She gets her Avastin dosage monthly, she's in terrible state for 3 days and then she's okay for the next 3 weeks until the next dose. It's not a cure. It is a drug that simply prevents the cancer to spread. But it has given her 10 years (almost 13 now).

So, I told my brother and my sister (a nurse) to find every possible way to get him in this trial. My parents and my brother live in the Philippines, my sister live in Houston. She found a trial in Houston and was able to get my dad in it. So, we pooled money to fly my parents and my brother to Houston. 2 years later, it was not looking good. The drug was giving my dad terrible side effects. He was getting weak so much so that he can't walk anymore. He went on a depression and finally my sister asked my dad what would make him happy. My dad said he wants to go home. We were all devastated. We really thought he has a chance with this clinical trial. We just need to tweak it a bit and get him into physical therapy, etc. But he said he wants to go home.

So, my brother flew him home and we pooled our resources again to come up with $7,000 a month to pay for the drug outside of the trial and everything else he needs as my dad has no medical insurance in the Philippines. In May of this year, he passed away.

My dad was a great man who has touched plenty of lives. He was so loved that the funeral procession was a mile long just for the people on foot, not counting the ones in cars and the ones lining the streets to throw coins and flowers. People came from all over the world to pay their respects.

For the 2.5 years that I fought this battle, I came to understand what Christ has taught us about life. Why my dad? My dad has never smoked all his life, doesnt drink alcohol except very occasionally, doesn't go to clubs or casinos or places with lots of smoke, and he lives a healthy lifestyle with good nutrition and exercise. Yet, he has lung cancer. His brothers are smokers, drinkers, casino and club goers... they are fine. Why is my dad punished when he is a great man? My sister said God's ways are a mystery. But I found that this is not so. I learned that God put us on earth to act and be acted upon. God's greatest gift to man is free will. But how can we act and exercise our free will if there's nothing to act upon? This has become so clear to me. My dad's illness is not for my dad. My day's illness was for me and my siblings. To gauge our mettle. My brother's mettle as a doctor and my sister's mettle as a nurse was pushed to the max. It is different to care for the medical needs of strangers or even friends. It is entirely a different level for a dad. My mettle as an aggressive, proud person was severely tested. My mom handled everything with amazing, almost miraculous, grace.

I am not sure if my mettle was worthy in God's eyes. I fought hard against my dad's wishes in the first 2 years. I told him, "you are going to Houston because you might be ready to die but I am not!" But in those 2 years, I have learned true service. I would wake up at 5am every morning to make my dad's breakfast and he would tell me how awful the food is, etc.. I was angry. Grumbling to myself about how ungrateful he is and how ornery he is and how I'm doing all these sacrifices and he doesn't even just smile and tell me what a good daughter I am. I realized then... am I serving my dad because I want something in return? I want thank you, or praise, or something that makes ME feel better? No! I am serving because I love my dad! I should not need gratitude or anything because my satisfaction is in the opportunity to serve my dad. And this brings another teaching of Christ to my heart. True love is service and true love rejoices in the service itself and not the glory of it or any love it gets in return. So, when I ponder on Christ hanging on the cross getting stabbed on the sides and he still proclaimed, "Father, forgive them.", I understood it. I went through a very tiny sliver of it with my dad. And it has made me see my love for my husband and my own children in a different light.

So that, by the time my dad died, I was ready. I was ready because I honestly and truly surrendered on my knees praying and telling Him, "Thy will be done."

Your story has touched me as well... Thank You for sharing this personal story!!! It does seem to shed some light on why good things happen to bad people... Blessings to you & your family!!!

 

[boomsboo]

Ahhh man, I'm so sorry to hear about your Dad! I have not had to go through this but I would imagine since you and your Dad are so close to just be you in front of him, be strong but if you have tears have tears. I'm really truly sorry.

Thank you! I must say... each time I find myself crying Tank is right there by my side cheering me up!

 

[mer55]

I am so sorry for what you are going through, and what you will most likely have to face in the coming days. I wear the "pancreatic cancer caregiver" t shirt. My husband was diagnosed in 2007 with stage IVb- mets to the liver. He opted for chemo but he knew it was only to buy a little more time. After 7 months on chemo, he decided to stop. A decision we all respected and supported. He knew his days were numbered and opted for quality of life, as opposed to maybe a few more weeks, but sick from chemo. When he stopped his chemo, he decided at that very moment to LIVE with the cancer. This was December of 2007. He formed a " bucket list" ( long before Morgan Freeman's movie) and proudly checked off things as he did them. Not being on chemo made him feel a little better. He even traveled to Arizona to see his beloved NY Giants play, and WIN Super Bowl 42, my favorite picture of hi is in the stadium after the game with all his Giants gear on with his arms raised in victory. He died 2 months later. We respected his decision to live out the rest of his life the way he wanted. PC is a terrible monster that claims so many lives. The only advice I can give you is support any decisions your dad makes, and use his remaining time to do some fun things, and have some great conversations with him. Some of my best moments with my husband were during the last months of his illness. I would have lived those days forever, but it is not what God had in mind. My 4 children and I felt he died a very happy and content man, and we felt we said everything that was needed to say. Cherish every moment. I am here if you need to talk. You can PM me any time. The road won't be easy, but you can make every second count. Good luck, and please don't hesitate to contact me. Hugs!!!!

 

[JeannieCO]

Thank you! I must say... each time I find myself crying Tank is right there by my side cheering me up!

That's the wonderful love that a dog can give, comfort when we don't ask for it.

 

[boomsboo]

That's the wonderful love that a dog can give, comfort when we don't ask for it.

Agreed! By the way I just checked the tracking on the donation Tank sent to you for the auction .. you should be getting it today (if you haven't already)

 

[JeannieCO]

Agreed! By the way I just checked the tracking on the donation Tank sent to you for the auction .. you should be getting it today (if you haven't already)

You're too sweet! I'll probably be on my doorstep under the watchful eyes of Inspector Wilson since he's probably slumbering in the looking at chair that's at the window.

 

[boomsboo]

You're too sweet! I'll probably be on my doorstep under the watchful eyes of Inspector Wilson since he's probably slumbering in the looking at chair that's at the window.

Good boy Wilson!

 

[jlcox24]

Sorry about your dad, please know that you, and your family are in my thoughts and prayers. You will find the strength to be there for your dad. I think that if it is what you are expecting that he would expect that you of course will have emotions..Please know we are all here thinking and praying for you, if you need anything let us know!

 

[Bazza]

@boomsboo Wow this is a topic close to my heart for many reasons, you have got so much great advice and I wish I had been on this site when I was going through tough times, my dad died 3 years ago, after a short illness and organ failure (no cancer) but we knew he would not make it, I had four amazing days with Dad, some of the time he was unconscious though, but I got to say everything I wanted, my dad and I were very close and had a great communication, he preferred honestly and like what you say emotion!!! We cried together, I talked about all the things I loved about him and how much he meant to me, I am so grateful that I had the time to say goodbye to him, you will have strength that you did not know you could and you will be amazing because it sounds like you have an amazing Dad and relationship, you will draw strength and appreciation for it down the road. I miss my Dad a lot, I miss his unconditional love, I miss when I walked any room no matter how old I was and I felt his love, I never have had that feeling ever since, sorry I know I am rambling but first time I have written anything about it, it won't be easy, but you will get you will get strength to get through it. Not long ago not even a year yet I lost my long time school friend to breast cancer, she has 3 little children which I help care for now, so she was like a sister, and it was the hardest thing I ever went through, I watched her slip away, but again you will have strength and love that will get you through, she wanted to be angry, sick, complaining, laughing and crying without being judged, just wanted people to be there for her, it was tough because she was leaving behind a 1,3,4 year old and it was hard on us all. You need to a look after yourself as well and cry when you need and feel o.k. to laugh when needed. sending you prayers as it always breaks my heart to hear when someone else goes through it. Best wishes to you and your entire family.

 

[Valentine215]

I'm not one to go rambling about my feelings and talk about my life on the internet, let alone many of my close friends. But I despriately need some advice, and I feel like EBN is like one big family. I guess I should start from the beginning.. My Dad was diagnosed last year with stage 2 pancreatic cancer. Long story short after many chemo and radiation treatments, the cancer was gone and he was in remission. Recently this year, back in March, we found out it had returned in his liver. For the past 6 months him and I have been back and fourth between doctor's appointments and chemo treatments, and this past month has been very rough on him. His last chemo treatment was back in early September. This past Thursday he was admitted into the hospital. Today I recieved a text from him asking to come tomorrow with my sister because he has "bad news". So what I am getting at is I am thinking the worst but hoping for the best. Does anyone have any advice on how to handle this if it is the news that I think it is? I've lost my brother from cancer 3 years ago and was able to push through it, but now that it's my dad it seems like a different experience. Him and I are extremely close and I want to be strong for him. Hopefully some of you can give me a little friendly advice? Thanks EBN!

I don't know how religious you are...but I would ask God for the strength to be able to bear the news. I am so very sorry that you and your dad are going through this. Cancer sucks.

I work in the Pharma industry and for many years I worked for an Oncology Pharma company and worked with study trials...it was so sad to see/read about peoples experiences. I prayed for their families.

Hang in there...God will see you through.

 

[boomsboo]

Thank you all so much! It means a lot to know that I have friends on here that care and I really do appreciate it! He's going on hospice and I am taking him home later today. At least there he can be comfortable and in his own space and with family. The Dr thinks he will make it to Christmas so I am happy to hear that.

@Bazza - I am so sorry for all the things you have gone through! Your story is very touching about your dad. I am so glad you got to say everything you wanted to him while you could. I think that is one of the most important things that I am trying to do myself! And about your friend with breast cancer. That brought tears to my eyes! What a wonderful friend you are to help care for her children she had to leave behind! I'm sure she is watching over you and so grateful for what you have done!

 

[ddnene]

Thank you all so much! It means a lot to know that I have friends on here that care and I really do appreciate it! He's going on hospice and I am taking him home later today. At least there he can be comfortable and in his own space and with family. The Dr thinks he will make it to Christmas so I am happy to hear that.

@Bazza - I am so sorry for all the things you have gone through! Your story is very touching about your dad. I am so glad you got to say everything you wanted to him while you could. I think that is one of the most important things that I am trying to do myself! And about your friend with breast cancer. That brought tears to my eyes! What a wonderful friend you are to help care for her children she had to leave behind! I'm sure she is watching over you and so grateful for what you have done!

Oh my heart just breaks for you... but you know that you can do this, and we will be here for you!!! As hard as it seems just try to enjoy each day for what it is... that is all it's really about anyway. Enjoying every little moment that we have with those that we care about... Sending you a big HUG & praying for you and your family!!!