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Thread: Heart broken

  1. #13
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    Default Re: Heart broken

    Quote Originally Posted by Tooleysmom View Post
    I was married 12 years to a recovering alcoholic bi polar partner. When he was manic our lives were in turmoil and when he was in deep depression his irritability made him cruel. I was determined to make it work, went to counselling with him for years. Even my minister quietly suggested I leave after trying so hard for so many years. I believed in my vow of "through sickness and health". I hid it from every one including family because I was so ashamed. I thought if I just tried hard enough I could make him better. He would stop taking his meds because he loved the high of his mania. I finally left and told my mom and my friends. They were shocked. I had hidden it from everyone so well for 12 years.


    So my heart goes out to you and your daughter. Mental illness is a brutal curse that affects everyone. He has since remarried and is stable on meds and doing much better. He needed to mature and make peace with himself and the world. I wish him nothing but happiness. And I remarried the most wonderful man -comfortable in his own skin, loving and generous. I guess what I am trying to say in a probably convoluted way is that there is hope. Like my ex he may need to hit a hard bottom before he comes to the realization that he needs medical intervention and support. In the meantime your daughter and your grandson need to feel safe and have some respite from the mania. The scariest part for me was that sometimes it got so bizarre I lost touch with what was normal and accepted behaviour that was unacceptable. This is not what you want your grandson to experience. My heart goes out to all of you. But your daughter and your grandson need to move forward towards happiness and your son in law is an adult who must take responsibility for his illness. I am so glad you are there for your daughter and grandson. It was my mom's love and her support that gave me the strength to get through it. And my ex needed to live through the pain of losing someone who dearly loved him to wake up and take responsibility for his life.
    Sending you big hugs.
    Wonderful post.

    There are many of us here, I'm certain, where addiction/alcoholism has affected our lives. The added curse of mental health issues only compounds the pain for everyone trying to live with and love the addict. My daughter's father struggles similarly. I always thank the universe for his wife because she continues to stick by him through it all --- even when the rest of us, even his own parents -- had given up after many, many years of bailing him out of this or that problem. Fortunately, he has these long periods of clean time/ sobriety between EPIC relapses. And they are EPIC. He doesn't just go out and use. He gets on a plane and goes to Vegas and indulges in ALL his addictions --- gambling included. Two years ago was the last one. Five grand later and he's back, ready to clean up again and contrite as all get out. I would have killed him. He was my best friend for many years and I finally had enough myself.

  2. #14
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    Default Re: Heart broken

    ((( CHRIS ))) so sorry to her about what your family is going through, this kind of thing is so hard all the way around......been there done that... when it's our children our heart's ache for them...wishing you all the best !

  3. #15
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    Default Re: Heart broken

    Quote Originally Posted by Tooleysmom View Post
    I was married 12 years to a recovering alcoholic bi polar partner. When he was manic our lives were in turmoil and when he was in deep depression his irritability made him cruel.
    Sharon, this is exactly what she has experienced! Add to that the lack of a high school education and the inability to maintain a job that provides any steady income. He is sure that he's going to strike it rich and be able to support them, but he's so unrealistic. If he makes $1500 on a paycheck he thinks he's in good shape, but he doesn't take into consideration that he made nothing for the past 2 or more months. Last year he had a job that didn't pay payroll taxes. My daughter knew they would owe a lot of money to the IRS, so she started saving, only to find out that he wiped out that account. They're still paying the IRS off. The funny thing is, he thought he would get a "refund" when they filed their taxes. She couldn't explain in a way that he understood that you have to pay into the system to get something back. He is a charming, sweet man, but I know there have been many times when he was very cruel--especially when he is confronted with his lack of knowledge about anything. When this finally came to a head the other night, he left her (and my grandson) with the car he was supposed to fix with money we sent but didn't. The car broke down on her way taking their son to daycare, so we will be helping her get it drivable--again. He took her new car and would have taken the keys to both if my husband hadn't talked to him.

    I think I knew in my gut that this day was coming, but the reality of the situation has hit me hard. Surprisingly, my daughter is calm, has a list of things that need to be done, and is checking things off the list. We are worried about him and know he needs help. We're also worried about what he might do, either to hurt her or himself.




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    Default Re: Heart broken

    Oh Chris, I am so very sorry! As many others have said, we could all share our own personal stories here. My father is an alcoholic, as well as most of the men in my family.
    All I can say is Hats Off to your daughter for being strong and realizing, very early on, that something needs to change and having the courage to change it.
    Our thoughts and prayers are with you and your family through this very trying time. Thanks for sharing with us so we can support ya'll through this.

    Good Luck. ((((HUGS))))

    edited to add: my last girlfriend was bi-polar/skitsofrentic/alcoholic/former drug user...oh yeah, I could pick 'em alright.

  5. #17
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    Default Re: Heart broken

    Quote Originally Posted by ChrisRN View Post

    I think I knew in my gut that this day was coming, but the reality of the situation has hit me hard. Surprisingly, my daughter is calm, has a list of things that need to be done, and is checking things off the list.
    This reminded me - when I went to see our counsellor after I had ended the relationship to let him know we would not be coming anymore I mentioned that I felt surprisingly calm. He explained that I had already done all of my grieving while in the last years of the relationship. So it is not really surprising, just an indication of the deep sadness and pain your daughter has already been through before making her decision. Hugs.

    “Happiness is a warm puppy.”
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  6. #18
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    Default Re: Heart broken

    Thanks to all of you. I have quit crying. Now that the emotion is out of the situation, I know she made the right decision. Her husband has placed the blame for this solely on her--typical of his behavior over the years. Thinking back over the years, and all the crap we put up with, I can appreciate the calm with which she made this decision and the resolve to eliminate the constant drama that her son was witnessing. I think it was causing him stress. As Flippy said in daycare a while ago, "f*** this!" My sentiments exactly! You guys are awesome and I am so grateful I found all of you!




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    filling an emptiness we didn't even know we had."




  7. #19
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    Default Re: Heart broken

    I am so sorry ... growing up my step-dad was an alcoholic. He's been sober for a few years now but is described by his doctor as a cyclical alcoholic and that it will continue to go round in circles. I guess this time the circle is a little bigger than normal, but we are always prepared for him to fall off the wagon at some point. Not sure if that is being prepared, or not being fair to him!! Anyway, as a child growing up with it I can honestly say it's horrible. So the fact that the four year old has been taken out of this situation and atmosphere can ONLY be a good thing!

    But hugs to you and your daughter for having to go through this emotional heart break!!

  8. #20
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    Default Re: Heart broken

    As you can all imagine, I have been in very frequent contact with my daughter. I am so proud of the way she is handling all of this. He has posted on his Facebook page things which make it appear she ran off and left him and their son! She and Flip are doing great, and have established wonderful routines with the structure he never had in his short little life. She hasn't said anything negative about him to Flip--an amazing feat! The more I hear, the more I am glad this has happened. I just wish I were there for her to lean on.




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    filling an emptiness we didn't even know we had."




  9. #21
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    Default Re: Heart broken

    Quote Originally Posted by ChrisRN View Post
    As you can all imagine, I have been in very frequent contact with my daughter. I am so proud of the way she is handling all of this. He has posted on his Facebook page things which make it appear she ran off and left him and their son! She and Flip are doing great, and have established wonderful routines with the structure he never had in his short little life. She hasn't said anything negative about him to Flip--an amazing feat! The more I hear, the more I am glad this has happened. I just wish I were there for her to lean on.
    Chris...she can feel the heart string between you and her..no matter where she is. You are there for her..and she knows it. THAT will be her guiding strength.

  10. #22
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    Default Re: Heart broken

    Chris she knows you are there for her even not standing next to her in person. good on your daughter to change the life she and your grandson had with her ex, she seems to have learnt well from you. Hugs

  11. #23
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    Default Re: Heart broken

    My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family.

  12. #24
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    Big hugs to you. Change is always scary, but this one sounds like its really needed. And how brave if your daughter. She's lucky to have gotten so much strength from her parents.


    Sent from my iPhone 5 using Tapatalk 2
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