Lost an old friendship

[bluesteelapd]

I've been struggling with this since this past summer. I've known this friend for over 20 years. We dated when I was much younger (I was 17, she was 24) and we've always had a little spark between us. Through the years we've helped each other through good and bad times, and frankly as I look back, it's mainly been me helping her. Being a shoulder to cry on, supporting her as she broke up 15 times with her crazy ex "angel dust" girlfriend. We hadn't seen each other in ... atleast 10 years. She lives on the west coast, me on the east. She went to the London Olympics and got bit by the travel bug and wanted to spend a long weekend with me and my partner over the summer. I tried to tell her it wasn't a good time but she didn't want to listen to any of that. I baby sat two boxers for a week and in leu of payment they gave me two primo seats to a Phillies vs the Braves game. These tickets were $65 x 2. I had to pay for parking, around $15. Melanie's flight was late, or atleast that's what she originally told us, and that made us 2 hours late for the game. By the time we got there, it was the bottom of the 7th inning. We didn't blame anyone, hell if her flight was late there wasn't anything she could do about it. Well, come to find out, SHE was late to the airport and thought with 5 mins before the plane taxied down the runway they'd let her board. I didn't find this out until I was driving her back to the airport, 2 hours before her flight, mind you, so she could make it to an Anti Circus protest in LA.
The entire time she was here she never paid for anything. Only offered $5 for gas! I went back and forth from South Jersey to Philly 4 days in a row! That's $5 in tolls per day as well as the gas. She bought 2 meals. I paid for everything else or she ate from the food we had in the fridge. I told her we'd go Vegetarian and won't cook any meat while she was here, to honor her preferences. She had me driving around Philly, on an almost empty tank, trying to find the best deal on a stupid coffee mug!
By the time I dropped her off at the airport I was so ready for her to leave. I wound up telling her she needed to pay for the primo tickets we got since it was her fault she was late to the airport which caused us to sit in 2 hours of traffic to get to the game. She has refused to pay me. I finally told her, I'm done. This is it. I'm no longer your friend. I'm still upset about this and can't seem to find a way to get over it. There are subtle reminders of her that pop up here and there and it just throws me back to all this DRAMA.

P.S. Please allow me to say one more thing. This has NOTHING to do with the money. It has everything to do with her coming out here, not offering to pay for anything, and basically using both of us for an almost "Free" 4 day weekend. It always boils down to the principle. I am a full time college student with no job. I'm blessed to have a partner that makes enough money for me to pursue my dreams and goals. Paying for my friends way, who is an almost middle aged adult, is ridiculous to say the least. She didn't even want me to leave a tip at the casino buffet - she said, oh no, you don't tip them! I was blown away. I guess I didn't know this person that well after all.

Any suggestions on how to put closure on this? I can't and won't go back on my demand for her to pay for those tickets. I even prorated the amount per inning! Neither of us will budge. I guess it wasn't that solid of a friendship after all.

 

[cali baker]

Well, it sounds like you may have to just accept her for what she is and move on from there. It doesn't sound like she will be paying you back for the game tix. She was probably very surprised that you asked her to pay for them, and she being a person who seems pretty tight w/her money, likely won't pay you. Sometimes we just have to learn from our experiences so I'd say, learn from this one so that another "friend" won't take advantage of you again in the future.

It is hard to close the door on a friendship, especially one as long as yours. I too have an old friend, someone I've known since the 5th grade (that's over 35yrs of friendship), who I've been thinking of ending ties with too. In my situation it has to do with my friend basically giving up on her dog that got loose from her home. She didn't bother posting signs, didn't make a great effort to find him...just said, 'well, hopefully someone took him in'. I was really disappointed in how she didn't seem to care enough to search for her dog. Anyways, that tainted my view of her and I know I'm being "judgey" about it, but I couldn't really view her in such a great light after that.

I wish you good luck in your closure and moving on from your old friend.

 

[bluesteelapd]

[MENTION=1904]cali baker[/MENTION] - thanks for the advise. I'm sorry to read about your friendship that might be ending soon. I'd be shocked if that was a friend of mine. I'm shocked just reading it and I don't even know who they are! When my boxer Gracie ran away I went out on an all out search for her for 24 hours. I was so lucky to work with people who came by after work, drove by during their lunch breaks, etc, to help find my girl. I put up flyers everywhere and even put notices in peoples mailboxes in the area where she was seen. Thank GOD she came running up the road we lived on the next day, because she was hungry. I went back to the houses I put notices in and left a note telling them I'd found her and she's safe. I also went back to all the places I put flyers up and took them down. I couldn't imagine, in my wildest dreams, just shrugging my shoulders and saying, "oh well, hope she's ok". I was a basketcase when she ran away - couldn't eat, sleep, nothing. My co-worker who spotted her around lunch time the next day, brought over two Burger King Whoopers for her the night she came home. ;-)

 

[ChrisRN]

You know, there are people in the world who are givers and those who are takers. You appear to be a giver--generous until someone takes advantage of you. I once tried to reconnect with an old friend who had totally opposite political views than me. I could handle it, she could not. I had to cut all ties because I was tired of the lectures about how stupid I was. I know this is hard for you, but you went with your gut on this one. Your gut was right. Stand strong!

 

[kazzy220]

For your own sake, and for closure, you have to give up on the idea of her ever paying you back for those tickets.

I know it's not about the money .. it's about this friend being the person you have believed her to be all this time. And if she pays you back then your dream is intact again - you can forgive her.

Unfortunately, your dream is not going to come true, and holding out for the money is going to only hurt YOU.

Write this off as a terrible but extreme learning curve.

Neither of you are the same person that grew up together. You have both formed seperate ideals. And that's just fine.

There are too many bully cuddles out there for you to dwell in the past. Enjoy what you have, because let's face it if fate had turned a little different. Look what you may have become!!!

 

[2BullyMama]

For your own sake, and for closure, you have to give up on the idea of her ever paying you back for those tickets.

I know it's not about the money .. it's about this friend being the person you have believed her to be all this time. And if she pays you back then your dream is intact again - you can forgive her.

Unfortunately, your dream is not going to come true, and holding out for the money is going to only hurt YOU.

Write this off as a terrible but extreme learning curve.

Neither of you are the same person that grew up together. You have both formed seperate ideals. And that's just fine.

There are too many bully cuddles out there for you to dwell in the past. Enjoy what you have, because let's face it if fate had turned a little different. Look what you may have become!!!

WELL SAID..... put her and the drama behind you.

 

[agingermom]

I know this is crazy coming from a psych RN (cough cough) but boundaries boundaries boundaries. You set limits on your friend and that is fantastic!! Good job. Now it is up to your friend to accept these boundaries or leave them.

 

[bluesteelapd]

[MENTION=3123]agingermom[/MENTION] & Everyone else....Thanks for the support. I totally agree with boundries which, needless to say, is something my "friend" didn't seem to understand. Guess I figured it would be different with me... Ha.

 

[agingermom]

@agingermom & Everyone else....Thanks for the support. I totally agree with boundries which, needless to say, is something my "friend" didn't seem to understand. Guess I figured it would be different with me... Ha.

Been there too!! Easy to say but not always to do!!

 

[mer55]

I know this is crazy coming from a psych RN (cough cough) but boundaries boundaries boundaries. You set limits on your friend and that is fantastic!! Good job. Now it is up to your friend to accept these boundaries or leave them.

Excellent advice! Don't waste time on what you can't change. Move forward and know you did everything you could. She is the one who decided the friendship wasn't worth saving, by her actions. You are a better person than that!

 

[Rural mystic]

I had a pastor friend once, when I was still in the ministry, and we grew to be very close friends. We had attended Seminary together but only knew of him and he of me until circumstance had it that we became reacquainted and became close friends. He would conduct revival services at the church I pastored and I at his. About once a month we would both travel as far as it took to meet at a centrally located place to spend the day together, share war stories, have lunch and spend the rest of the day in book stores and fellowship. This went on for several years if he moved to a different church we would still continue our routine of visiting each other's churches, and our families spending time together. He once remarked to me that I was his best friend and that he had told his wife that he knew I loved and accepted him unconditionally and that no matter what he may do I would still accept him unconditionally. But as things happened he broke of the friendship over religious differences. They were minor to me but I guess major to him. I was crestfallen but continued on. As it would have it several months later he renewed contact, asked for forgiveness and wanted to renew our fellowship and friendship and I told him of course that I had been waiting for that day all along. Then after about a year it happened again and he broke off the friendship even went to having contact with certain members of the church I pastored to question my doctrinal or religious position. Again I was really hurt because he was like a brother to me. But I simply let it go. Forgiveness and commitment is a two way street. One can be very desirous that friendships or loves are renewed if they have been broken but we can only do our part we can't make it happen only on our own. About 2 years or more went by and recently about a year ago he wanted to friend me on fb but I simply ignored it. I didn't contact him or lambast him for what he did in the past, but for my own emotional health I did not pursue the contact. Burnt twice is enough. "none are so tender as those who have been skinned themselves" So I know the pain

 

[Rural mystic]

By the way I have a new buddy now and our friendship grows daily. I love him unconditionally too and I think he feels the same about me. He can be a pain at times, as I can, but nobody is perfect. But I accept his imperfections and it seems he does mine. His name is Ace and as I type this he is whining at my feet because he wants to play :D

 

[bluesteelapd]

[MENTION=7587]Rural mystic[/MENTION] Awe, Ace, he wants some lovins. Thanks for sharing your story with me. I'm very sorry you lost such a close friend! your story was very touching.

 

[Texas Carol]

Agree with all the excellent advice already given. This has happened to me
as well so I understand how bad it hurts and how terribly disappointed you
are w/your friend, with good reason.

You handled this exactly right, stand strong, stay true to yourself (as you are
doing) and move on. People change, it happens. I divorced my 1st husband of
10 yrs over this, he developed into a person I did not like or respect...finally I
had to leave, broken hearted but just could not compromise my moral values
any longer. Your hurt will ease w/time...sending you a big hug...

 

[RaRett]

I dont know you, I only know what you have typed here, and my personal (unprofessional) opinion is this -

Only YOU can allow someone else to take advantage of you.

as you said, YOU have been there when SHE needed you,
YOU said now isnt a good time to visit, but she still came, and you allowed it.

no, it doesnt make it any easier, or feel any better, HOWEVER the pain today is a good lesson, and it will help you learn in the future.

The lesson you have learned in this episode ? PEOPLE SUCK, write off the cost of the tickets (which didnt cost you a dime, only your time) write of this 'Friend' unless you want to keep supporting her through everything, and dealing with the Drama - Hell dont just write off the friendship, RUN FAST AND FAR FROM THIS POISON and go cuddle up with your bully.

Doctors Orders