Anyone know a good long joke?

[izstigspunks]

Signed up for toastmasters and I took the role of Jokemaster for tomorrow's meeting. Doesn't need to be extremely funny ... just funny. lol.

 

[JeannieCO]

Here's a couple favorits of mine.

TIGHT SPOT

In a crowded city at a busy bus stop, a woman who was waiting for a bus was wearing a tight leather skirt. As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus.

Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg.

Again, she tried to make the step only to discover she still couldn't. So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more. For the second time, attempted the step, and, once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg. With little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to make the step.

About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus. She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and screeched, "How dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!'

The Texan smiled and drawled, "Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we was friends."



And this one is the one that just keeps on giving me a laugh when I read it.


The Cookoo Clock
[SIZE=-1] [/SIZE]

The other night I was invited out for a night with the guys. I told my wife that I would be home by midnight... "promise!"

Well, the hours passed quickly and the beer was going down way too easy. At 3am, drunk as a skunk, I headed for home.

Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed three times. Quickly, I realized she'd probably wake up, so I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself for having such a rapid, witty solution, even when smashed, to escape a possible conflict.

The next morning my wife asked me what time I got in, and I told her 12 o'clock. She didn't seem disturbed at all. Got away with that one, I thought! Then she told me we needed a new cuckoo clock. When I asked her why she said, "Well, last night it cuckooed 3 times, then said, 'oh f**k,' cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more.... then farted."



​

 

[izstigspunks]

:D Thanks Jeannie, gonna use those!

 

[Lauren31287]

Those are good ones!! The first one had me really cracking up!

 

[Baconator]

A guy walked into a bar





it hurt

 

[ChrisRN]

Here's an old one for you to keep in mind.

A blonde in Baton Rouge, LA walked into a shoe store, determined to have the beautiful aligator stillettos she saw in the window. She tried on a pair and was thrilled to find out they fit her perfectly. They were gorgeous. Red alligator designer heels. Perfect. She told the salesman she'd take them.

When he came back to her with her ticket, she pulled out her Visa card, but before she handed it to the salesman she checked the price of the shoes.

"$2,000?!? Are you out of your mind?? Why . . . this is ridiculous! Who would pay this much for shoes?" She stormed out of the store.

The salesman shook his head, laughed, and restocked the shoes. Later that day, while he was driving home from work, he thought he saw the blonde's car by the side of the road, near a path that led to a bayou. He heard a gunshot. Thinking the woman was in trouble, he parked his car behind hers and headed down the path--a real Southern gentleman coming to the rescue of a damsel in distress.

He heard another gunshot, looked around and noticed 4 dead alligators on the bank. He saw the blonde coming up out of the water with a 4 1/2-foot alligator thrown over her shoulder. Before he could say anything she said, "Damn! This one doesn't have shoes either!!"

 

[Twice]

I got this one in an email today (sorry, I can't share the dirty ones )

A group of 15-year-old girlfriends discussed where to meet for dinner.
Finally, they agreed to meet at the Dairy Queen, next door to the
Ocean View restaurant, because they had only $6.00 among them and Brad Johnson, the cute boy in Social Studies, lived on that street.

On that night they decided to meet every 10 years for dinner for the rest of their lives.

10 years later, the group of 25-year-old girlfriends discussed where to meet for dinner. Finally, they agreed to meet at the Ocean View restaurant, because the beer was cheap, the restaurant offered free snacks, the band was good, there was no cover charge, and there were lots of cute guys.

10 years later, the group of 35-year-old girlfriends discussed where to meet for dinner. Finally, they agreed to meet at the Ocean View restaurant, because the cosmos were good, it was right near the gym and, if they went late enough, there wouldn't be too many whiny little kids.

10 years later, the group of 45-year-old girlfriends discussed where to meet for dinner. Finally, they agreed to meet at the Ocean View restaurant, because the martinis were big, and the waiters wore tight pants and had nice buns.

10 years later, the group of 55-year-old girlfriends discussed where to meet for dinner. Finally, they agreed to meet at the Ocean View restaurant, because the prices were reasonable, the wine list was good, the restaurant had windows that opened (in case of hot flashes), and they served fish which is good for your cholesterol.

10 years later, the group of 65-year-old girlfriends discussed where to meet for dinner. Finally, they agreed to meet at the Ocean View restaurant, because the lighting was good, and the restaurant had a senior citizen discount.

10 years later, the group of 75-year-old girlfriends discussed where to meet for dinner. Finally, they agreed to meet at the Ocean View restaurant, because the food was not too spicy, and the restaurant was handicapped-accessible.

10 years later, the group of 85-year-old girlfriends discussed where to meet for dinner. Finally, they agreed to meet at the Ocean View restaurant, because they had never been there before.

 

[izstigspunks]

Keep'em coming guys. I'll mention they're all from my bulldog friends.

 

[Texas Carol]

1st Guy "I'm an atheist."

2nd Guy "Really?"

1st Guy "Swear to god."

 

[LariP]

The only joke I ever remember my Gramma told me when I was fairly young.

Little Johnny was visiting with his Gramma out in the country.
Gramma didn't have running water and to get water she had to go get it from a pond about half a mile away from the cabin.
Gramma sent little Johnny out to get a bucket of water.
He hadn't been gone long when he came hightailing it back to the cabin yelling Alligator! Alligator! Alligator!
He was frantic, he had seen an alligator in the pond.
Well Gramma calmed him down and said that the alligator was probably just as scared of him as he was of it.
And they still needed drinking water, so he needed to go back and get the bucket and water.
Johnny said, Gramma, if that alligator was as scared of me and I was of it. That water ain't fit to drink!

 

[Rural mystic]

Well the story goes like this.

A couple were recent converts to a fundamentalist christian group and the husband wanting to
be sure he was living up to all the rules scheduled a meeting with his minister.
The husband asked: Reverend, my wife and I like to go dancing, is dancing permitted?
Rev: No dancing is not permitted.
husband: Why?
Rev: Because dancing is sexually suggestive and Ungodly.
husband: oh, okay
husband: Well what about having sex with my wife, is that permitted?
Rev: Yes, having sex with your wife is permitted because its biblical and godly.
husband: Oh, okay [the man is getting a little nervous but he wants to be sure so he asks]
husband: Well, what about kinky sex?
Rev: What do you mean kinky sex?
husband: Well, having sex standing up.
Rev: No, having sex standing up is not permitted, its ungodly.
husband: Why?
Rev: Because it leads to dancing.

 

[Vikinggirl]

Lmao. Too funny