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Thread: The dreaded swimsuit!!!!!

  1. #1
    Queenie I am an EBN Reporter
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    JeannieCO's Avatar
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    Cool The dreaded swimsuit!!!!!

    I thought with summer just around the corner it was time to start thinking of bathing suits.

    When I was a child in the 1950s, the bathing suit for the mature figure was-boned, trussed and reinforced, not so much sewn as engineered. They were built to hold back and uplift, and they did a good job.

    Today's stretch fabrics are designed for the prepubescent girl with a figure carved from a potato chip.

    The mature woman has a choice, she can either go up front to the maternity department and try on a floral suit with a skirt, coming away looking like a hippopotamus that escaped from Disney's Fantasia, or she can wander around every run-of-the-mill department store trying to make a sensiblechoice from what amounts to a designer range of fluorescent rubber bands.

    What choice did I have? I wandered around, made my sensible choice and entered the chamber of horrors known as the fitting room. The first thing I noticed was the extraordinary tensile strength of the stretch material. TheLycra used in bathing costumes was developed, I believe, by NASA to launch small rockets from a slingshot, which gives the added bonus that if you manage to actually lever yourself into one, you would beprotected from shark attacks. Any shark taking a swipe at your passing midriff would immediately suffer whiplash.

    I fought my way into the bathing suit, but as I twanged the shoulder strap in place I gasped in horror, my boobs had disappeared!

    Eventually, I found one boob cowering under my left armpit. It took a while to find the other. At last I located it flattened beside my seventh rib.

    The problem is that modern bathing suits have no bra cups. The mature woman is now meant to wear her boobs spread across her chest like a speed bump. I realigned my speed bump and lurched toward the mirror to take a full view assessment.

    The bathing suit fit all right, but unfortunately it only fitted those bits of me willing to stay inside it. The rest of me oozed out rebelliously from top, bottom and sides. I looked like a lump of Playdoh wearing undersized cling wrap.

    As I tried to work out where all those extra bits had come from, the prepubescent sales girl popped her head through the curtain, "Oh, there you are," she said, admiring the bathing suit.

    I replied that I wasn't so sure and asked what else she had to show me. I tried on a cream crinkled one that made me look like a lump of masking tape, and a floral two-piece that gave the appearance of an oversized napkin in a serving ring.

    I struggled into a pair of leopard-skin bathers with ragged frills and came out looking like Tarzan's Jane, pregnant with triplets and having a rough day.

    I tried on a black number with a midriff fringe and looked like a jellyfish in mourning.

    I tried on a bright pink pair with such a high cut leg I thought I would have to wax my eyebrows to wear them.

    Finally, I found a suit that fit, it was a two-piece affair with a shorts-style bottom and a loose blouse-type top. It was cheap, comfortable, and bulge-friendly, so I bought it. My ridiculous search had a successfuloutcome, I figured.

    When I got it home, I found a label that read, "Material might become transparent in water."

    So, if you happen to be on the beach or near any other body of water this year and I'm there too, I'll be the one in cut-off jeans and a T-shirt!

    You'd better be laughing or rolling on the floor by this time. Life isn't about how to survive the storm, but how to dance in the rain, with or without a stylish bathing suit!
    Three Hooligans and 1 Angel - Wilson, Sally, Emma & Jack

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    Dog Park Attendant ollieivy's Avatar
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    Default Re: The dreaded swimsuit!!!!!

    you are a great writer! thanks for the
    "J'embrace mon chien sur la bouche!" (i kiss my dog on the mouth!)--unknown

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    Default Re: The dreaded swimsuit!!!!!

    OH MY! That is great!
    Everyone wants to kiss a bullie

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    Default Re: The dreaded swimsuit!!!!!

    ​Nooooooo Wayyyyyyyy Jose...I'm sticking with "I'm allergic to the sun"!!!!! Burkas all around!

  5. #5
    The Ultimate Sourmug Become a 4 Paw Member
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    Default Re: The dreaded swimsuit!!!!!

    I like to play the "I don't know how to swim therefore I don't need a bathing suit since I don't go in the water anyways" reason.
    Last edited by savemejeebus; 03-09-2012 at 03:41 PM.
    "I am normally not a praying man, but if you really are up there, please save me Superman!'' - Homer J. Simpson

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    Default Re: The dreaded swimsuit!!!!!

    thanx for the entertainment Jeannie...... See ya on the beach.... Ill be the guy NOT in a Speedo!

  7. #7
    The Ultimate Sourmug Sherry's Avatar
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    Default Re: The dreaded swimsuit!!!!!

    @JeannieCO bathing suit shopping is so damn depressing, I'd rather be cleaning my fish aquarium. But YOU, you my friend just made my fudging day. I LOVE YOU man
    Life is like a box of chocolate covered

  8. #8
    Lucy-licious
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    Default Re: The dreaded swimsuit!!!!!

    @JeannieCO.
    I need a swimsuit too for the trip to Florida...no way am I going down those slides and losing my bikini
    But with my figure I have a whole set of different problems in that when I finally get the costume on, my teeny tiny boobies dissappear and I look like a little boy in drag Not a good look

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    That's hilarious you should submit it to your local newspaper for publication. Thanks for the laugh!!! By the way how do you feel about shopping for jeans?

    My goal in life is to be as good a person as my dog thinks I am ~ author unknown

  10. #10
    Head Pooper Scooper I am an EBN Reporter
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    Default Re: The dreaded swimsuit!!!!!

    Too funny Jenn, thanks for the laugh.
    Have a Great Bully Day.
    Member of The Bulldog Club of America, The Bulldog Club of Texas and French Bulldog Club of America.
    Bully hugs from - BeBe, Hazel, Lucy Lu, JLO, Hillary, Henri & Katie


  11. #11
    Queenie I am an EBN Reporter
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    Default Re: The dreaded swimsuit!!!!!

    I'll be sporting my first one piece this year. I was complaining to a girlfriend of mine who boats with us and said how I dont like the tankinis and all the one pieces are so thick in material or tie at the neck so she sent me that, LOL.
    Three Hooligans and 1 Angel - Wilson, Sally, Emma & Jack

  12. #12
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    Default Re: The dreaded swimsuit!!!!!

    Quote Originally Posted by BruceP View Post
    thanx for the entertainment Jeannie...... See ya on the beach.... Ill be the guy NOT in a Speedo!
    ​How Am I EVER Going To Get THAT Picture Out Of My Head???

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