my Sweetie Head...

Twice

My Bully Gave Me Wings
Feb 3, 2012
2,686
311
Woodbridge Township, NJ
Bulldog(s) Names
Abby (my Sweetie Head 10.24.11-11.23.12) and Otis
This is my first visit to the memorial forums. At first, in the beginning, I couldn't click here because I knew that my own memorial could be any day and I couldn't face it. Then when that day came I couldn't cry anymore. I couldn't share your losses because I hadn't accepted my own. I still can't.

I'm still struggling with the loss of my Sweetie Head. I still can't breathe. It hurts to breath. I keep looking for her but she's not there. Every day it gets harder and harder to live without her. That place in my heart where she used to live is just a hole, a big black hole sucking up the universe, getting bigger and bigger each day.

Guilt. I have so much guilt. Did I do the right things? Did I do enough? and the "what if's" are eating me alive. What if I'd insisted on an iv flush sooner? What if I'd just given her that canned prescription food? What if I'd doubled her coQ10? What if the had another miracle left in her? What if I acted too soon? Would she still be here today?

That baby girl defied the odds for so long. It all went to hell in a week. One week! One Thursday she was diving onto Oti's head from the couch, the next Friday she was gone. What didn't I do? What did I do wrong? I had to have done something wrong for it to happen so fast. My son keeps telling me that she was born with a timer over her head. That every day she had was borrowed, another day stolen from death. Was she just tired of fighting? Did she give up? Or did I?

I've been hoarding this video for months. I can't take my eyes off of it. I watch it all day long. Maybe it's time to share it. You can see her change so much in such a short time, at the end she looked so old and tired. Not at all like a baby should look.

13 months. She should have gotten more than 13 months. It's just not right.


 

Heff102

I will show you my thingy if you show me yours!
Community Veteran
Jul 7, 2012
542
91
Humboldt, SK
Bulldog(s) Names
Lulu
Thank you for sharing this beautiful memorial with us.

We too also went through a huge loss last summer with the sudden passing of Heff. Heff was also way to young to die.

You need to take comfort in knowing that yes Abby's life her on earth may have been way to short but luckily for Abby each day she did have was with a very loving caring family. Sadly allot of pets on earth can not say that.

I know for us after losing Heff I swore never ever again would I ever own a pet....8 days later in walks Lulu into our life! Lulu is no Heff but I always tell me wife that I am sure she is a reincarnation of Heff in certain ways.

Sorry I wish I could say more to help ease your pain.
 

2BullyMama

I'm not OCD....now who moved my bulldog?
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Jul 28, 2011
48,580
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:hug: :cry: .... without you, Bev... she would most likely have not had those wonderful 13 months. others would have given up FAR before or never even tried. she knew you LOVED her and you did everything right.

LOVE you.... :hug:

It has been a 18 months for me having lost Nitshcke.,.. the pain never leaves and the tears always flow -- do not let anyone tell you any different
 
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cowsmom

..........
Apr 27, 2011
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Sarah aka cow
oh bev what a beautiful memorial to a very special bully. there is nothing i can say that can take this away so ill just be here for you and :hug: you from afar. :cry:
 

Sherry

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Jan 15, 2011
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You guy's are kill'n me here. I'm so sorry for all pain you are enduring :*(
 

bullmama

Owner/Administrator
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Jan 28, 2010
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The Home of the Desert Sky Pack
Bev, I watched the video, tears flowing. I know you doubt yourself, but all I see and will ever see is someone who loved her more than any other person in this world could have. Your devotion to her was something I cannot even put into words to others. However it was something I felt in every word you typed. Abby was brought to you and you to her, I believe this with all my heart. I don't think there is not a soul on here that did not fall in love with Abby and her journey, and also your fight for her. I am blessed to have met her on here and also to have met you.

It does suck and its not fair, but I will never believe you did something wrong. I don't think you will ever stop doubting because its too hard not to think that way, and it crushes me to think you feel this way. We love you and sweetyhead forever, and from where I stand you will always be on a pedestal for all you have given her. All that love. She knew it too. :hug:


Sent from my iPhone 5 using Tapatalk :)
 

Davidh

Head Pooper Scooper
Staff member
Mar 21, 2011
13,407
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BeBe, Hazel, Lucy Lu, JLO, Hillary, Henri, & Katie
WOW, very hard for me to hold back the tears, that was a great memorial video, and the song was perfect. You should never second guess yourself, as you gave her a wonderful life and extended her life longer than anyone could, even the vets. You gave her more time here then she would have had with anyone and you gave her all the love she could get. She had a happy and loving life and she knew she was loved. She is looking down from Rainbow Bridge all healthy and playing up there and will see you again one day and she will be healthy and happy to see you and give you kisses. She was so beautiful and so precious. I know it hurts now, but one day you will see her sweet face again. :angelheart:
 
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Sherry

New member
Jan 15, 2011
5,183
477
Denver PA
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USA
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Jack , Dolly, Grizz, Peggy Sue, and Scrimps
I'm sorry I bolted and ran, you guy's are killin me is not a proper response. As all of us watched you extend Abby's life past her first birthday was really more than anyone could ask for, you too are my hero and I hold you up on a pedestal. Second guessing yourself is something we all live with, I second guess myself with my kids that are gone, if only I would've done this or that, or maybe, or why. We have no answers, only memories and the holes in our hearts. It hurts like nothing ever will, it's everyday and it's every year. Trust me darling, I admire the feistiness you gave Abby and she knew she was loved, how could she not know? You and Abby left a mark in all our hearts and the timing of the precious video is spot on. It's a wonderful reminder of everything we do for the love of our fur kids. If only every pet would have this kind of care the world would be a better place for it. God Bless you Bev, and Sweetie Head
[MENTION=4225]Twice[/MENTION]
 

Momma2Bullies

New member
Aug 2, 2012
356
26
Canada
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Layla and Wilbur
Dear Bev,
you DID do everything you possibly could , everything that was in your power. You did try hard enough, she did know she was loved, you gave her the 13 months she would not have had otherwise.
My heart is broken for your loss, and for your anguish and guilt. Abby knew you loved her, she felt it in every little bone of her body. I am sure she is with you and loving you and wishing you would not blame yourself because sometimes they need angels in heaven, so that she can watch over you.
This tribute is beautiful, and clearly shows how much she was loved and how you cared for her. She knows....she is watching it too, and thanking you for every moment of her life that you made possible.

You will meet again, because I believe we have soul mates in everyone we love, human OR animal, and that we are always reunited.

Hugging you xox
 

sheshistory

Moderator
Jul 11, 2010
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291
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Bentley, Linus, Truman
A beautiful tribute to a wonderful life - you gave her everything you could and now she's healthy and whole again, waiting for you at the Rainbow Bridge/
 

JAKEISGREAT

.................
Mar 25, 2011
14,802
1,155
Southern California
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Jake
:(

Sweet Bev...
That you would share this with us is so generous. Not surprising though, after all, your love and life with Miss Abby was ruled by giving. You see Bev, you GAVE her the chance to live at all. You GAVE her the strength to learn and be a wonderful girl. You GAVE her the chance to breathe the air and smell the flowers. You GAVE her time. You GAVE her permission to be herself. But most of all, Bev, you GAVE her Your heart, soul and being. When her time came, you GAVE her enough love to last until you see her again. Now..please Sweet Bev, give yourself the peace and knowledge that comes with knowing you did it ALL. That hole in your heart isn't supposed to go away. But over time, it will become one with Abby..solid and strong, just like you.

:hug:
 

sheshistory

Moderator
Jul 11, 2010
3,395
291
Vermont
Country
United States
Bulldog(s) Names
Bentley, Linus, Truman
I would also like to add, as someone who has lost a bully, that one day you will look at those photos and they will make you smile and laugh because the sadness fades, but the wonderful love and memories that you and Abby shared are forever.
 

Texas Carol

Texas Carol....put the heart in EBN
Community Veteran
Jul 4, 2012
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Brutus & Cami live in Heaven
Dear Bev, was just thinking about you and come on here to find your
beautiful tribute to Sweety Head, such a dear & special girl. May I tell
you this, whenever I read your words about her, I'm filled with the
TRUTH that you & she were meant to be together. I also feel that she
had a wonderful life and that you gave her your whole world and more
time here than she would have otherwise had. I know this...Abby had
everything and more and I know that Abby knew she was loved beyond
measure...they know.

I know the hole in your heart is huge, that you have doubts & unanswered
questions, that every day is a struggle to get out of bed and that every day
is empty of joy, I know you feel guilty feeling this way but yet, it still is what
it is. You are a fighter, dear one, and when the fight is done, you are lost.
These feelings are difficult for one as fierce and brave as you.

This I know too, it was her time to go and you knew it and that is why you
did the hardest thing ever, you let her go.

Peace to you, dear Bev, and love and comfort and strength as you struggle
with all these things that rage inside your heart and tear you apart.

Abby is with GOD and struggles no more, her worn out body repaired and
she plays with all our beloved human and furry loves gone before us.

You will reunite with her again, as we all will with our loved ones.

It is the being apart from them, the deepest longing for them, the waiting
until we are with them again...these things are the hard things that nothing
can fix but time...time to find a way to endure the unendurable.

It will happen and until it does, come here and share your pain with us, as you
did today and let it help you, just a little, as you have done so often, for others.

Bev, you are loved, as you loved Abby...be blessed and favored of GOD.
 
OP
Twice

Twice

My Bully Gave Me Wings
Feb 3, 2012
2,686
311
Woodbridge Township, NJ
Bulldog(s) Names
Abby (my Sweetie Head 10.24.11-11.23.12) and Otis
  • Thread Starter
  • Thread starter
  • #14
.

I know for us after losing Heff I swore never ever again would I ever own a pet....8 days later in walks Lulu into our life! Lulu is no Heff but I always tell me wife that I am sure she is a reincarnation of Heff in certain ways.

Sorry I wish I could say more to help ease your pain.

I remember your losing Heff. I'm sorry that happened. I'm glad you have Lulu to help you now.

I can't find that anywhere. I do all these fosters and rescues. I could have any bully that walks into my house but I don't feel it. The only one I felt any connection with at all was Georgia and we later found out she was full of cancer and needed to die too. I do these rescues and adoptions hoping to find some joy in giving unwanted or mistreated bullys the happy ending that Abby never got to have. But I don't feel that either.

she knew you LOVED her and you did everything right.

I hope so. I really really hope so.

I don't think there is not a soul on here that did not fall in love with Abby and her journey, and also your fight for her. I am blessed to have met her on here and also to have met you.

...We love you and sweetyhead forever, and from where I stand you will always be on a pedestal for all you have given her. All that love. She knew it too. :hug:

I know you all loved her too. That's why I stopped hoarding the video and shared it. The only change that I made to it before posting it here was updating the last picture of the stone. Her tree is waking up and the daisies and forget-me-nots around her are in bloom. I wanted you all to see it.

Abby is the one who did all the fighting, she deserves that pedestal. I couldn't have done anything if her will to live wasn't so strong. I was just a co-pilot.

WOW, very hard for me to hold back the tears, that was a great memorial video, and the song was perfect. ...
one day you will see her sweet face again. :angelheart:

Eric Clapton wrote that song after his own loss, his 4 year old son died in a horrible accident. I thought it was a good fit. I hope I see her again. I hope she remembers me when (if?) I get there.

I'm sorry I bolted and ran, you guy's are killin me is not a proper response. As all of us watched you extend Abby's life past her first birthday was really more than anyone could ask for, you too are my hero and I hold you up on a pedestal. Second guessing yourself is something we all live with, I second guess myself with my kids that are gone, if only I would've done this or that, or maybe, or why. We have no answers, only memories and the holes in our hearts. It hurts like nothing ever will, it's everyday and it's every year. Trust me darling, I admire the feistiness you gave Abby and she knew she was loved, how could she not know? You and Abby left a mark in all our hearts and the timing of the precious video is spot on. It's a wonderful reminder of everything we do for the love of our fur kids. If only every pet would have this kind of care the world would be a better place for it. God Bless you Bev, and Sweetie Head
@Twice

That's ok Sherry. I posted and ran! I hid on the couch under my blanket all night pretending to watch a movie with my son. :) I'm sorry for your losses too. Yours are so much bigger than mine yet here you are, surviving and inspiring and laughing. You're my hero.

Dear Bev,
you DID do everything you possibly could , everything that was in your power. You did try hard enough

did I? sometimes I'm not so sure.

A beautiful tribute to a wonderful life - you gave her everything you could and now she's healthy and whole again, waiting for you at the Rainbow Bridge/

I like the image of her out there healthy somewhere :)

:(

When her time came, you GAVE her enough love to last until you see her again. Now..please Sweet Bev, give yourself the peace and knowledge that comes with knowing you did it ALL. That hole in your heart isn't supposed to go away. But over time, it will become one with Abby..solid and strong, just like you.

:hug:

And what if the time wasn't right Becky? What if I acted too soon? This is the biggest part for me to deal with. She was our miracle dog. Everyone said so, even her doctors. Remember at every visit they all said it? "she shouldn't be here right now". But she was. What if she had another miracle left in her and I robbed her of it? I can't find any peace in that anywhere.

@Texas Carol I know you get it. You have had so many losses of your own this past year. More than any one person should have to have in a lifetime. Yet you come here and type kind words to me. I have nothing to say but thank you :)
 

bluesteelapd

New member
May 1, 2010
1,316
56
New Jersey
Bulldog(s) Names
Mona Lisa and Leonardo
I too am sorry. I couldn't bring myself to watch more than about a minute and a half of the video. That is the CUTEST Steelers fan I've seen.
I can't fully comprehend your loss as I was blessed to have 6 years of my boxer with me before she passed. The short amount of time you had would have put me in the same depressive state. Please take the virtual love we send you and know we are supporting you through this.
I'm just so very sorry.
 

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