Twice
My Bully Gave Me Wings
- Feb 3, 2012
- 2,686
- 311
- Bulldog(s) Names
- Abby (my Sweetie Head 10.24.11-11.23.12) and Otis
This is my first visit to the memorial forums. At first, in the beginning, I couldn't click here because I knew that my own memorial could be any day and I couldn't face it. Then when that day came I couldn't cry anymore. I couldn't share your losses because I hadn't accepted my own. I still can't.
I'm still struggling with the loss of my Sweetie Head. I still can't breathe. It hurts to breath. I keep looking for her but she's not there. Every day it gets harder and harder to live without her. That place in my heart where she used to live is just a hole, a big black hole sucking up the universe, getting bigger and bigger each day.
Guilt. I have so much guilt. Did I do the right things? Did I do enough? and the "what if's" are eating me alive. What if I'd insisted on an iv flush sooner? What if I'd just given her that canned prescription food? What if I'd doubled her coQ10? What if the had another miracle left in her? What if I acted too soon? Would she still be here today?
That baby girl defied the odds for so long. It all went to hell in a week. One week! One Thursday she was diving onto Oti's head from the couch, the next Friday she was gone. What didn't I do? What did I do wrong? I had to have done something wrong for it to happen so fast. My son keeps telling me that she was born with a timer over her head. That every day she had was borrowed, another day stolen from death. Was she just tired of fighting? Did she give up? Or did I?
I've been hoarding this video for months. I can't take my eyes off of it. I watch it all day long. Maybe it's time to share it. You can see her change so much in such a short time, at the end she looked so old and tired. Not at all like a baby should look.
13 months. She should have gotten more than 13 months. It's just not right.
I'm still struggling with the loss of my Sweetie Head. I still can't breathe. It hurts to breath. I keep looking for her but she's not there. Every day it gets harder and harder to live without her. That place in my heart where she used to live is just a hole, a big black hole sucking up the universe, getting bigger and bigger each day.
Guilt. I have so much guilt. Did I do the right things? Did I do enough? and the "what if's" are eating me alive. What if I'd insisted on an iv flush sooner? What if I'd just given her that canned prescription food? What if I'd doubled her coQ10? What if the had another miracle left in her? What if I acted too soon? Would she still be here today?
That baby girl defied the odds for so long. It all went to hell in a week. One week! One Thursday she was diving onto Oti's head from the couch, the next Friday she was gone. What didn't I do? What did I do wrong? I had to have done something wrong for it to happen so fast. My son keeps telling me that she was born with a timer over her head. That every day she had was borrowed, another day stolen from death. Was she just tired of fighting? Did she give up? Or did I?
I've been hoarding this video for months. I can't take my eyes off of it. I watch it all day long. Maybe it's time to share it. You can see her change so much in such a short time, at the end she looked so old and tired. Not at all like a baby should look.
13 months. She should have gotten more than 13 months. It's just not right.