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Thread: My heart still aches

  1. #1
    BullyWood Movie Star Become a 4 Paw Member
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    Default My heart still aches

    My Miss Abby passed over the bridge this past Friday. I am lost with out her, her snuggles, her grunts, her soft kisses.......My heart aches so very much.

    I haven't been on a lot lately because of so many things happening in my life. My dad was placed in Hospice care in early Jan, then my partner of 15 years had an affair and walked out of our lives and home, now I have lost Abby.

    I had to let her go, she had fallen off the bed and then started having issues. The final days, she wouldn't even get up to eat in the morning. I barely got her up and moving at night. She slept the entire time, even if it meant sleeping in her urine. She had become so very incontinent in the end.

    My heart hurt to see her in pain, but it hurts to know she is gone. I didn't want to be selfish in keeping her here, but I also felt selfish for putting her down. I still am second guessing myself.....was it because I got tired of changing and washing sheets every day? Was is the right thing to do? Was it because I couldn't lift her and help her? could I have done something else to make it easier with things?

    Friday came and my son and a good friend came with me. I held her tight, they held me. It was so fast, but so very peaceful. I was worried so much on what they were doing, I forgot to say how much I loved her before her last breath.....Once I realized she was gone, I cried, I felt like I missed the opportunity to say good bye. I hope she knew I was there...it was so fast. I cried, my son cried.
    I held her the entire way home and stroked her head and ears. Telling her how much I loved her and I missed her already. We allowed Bella to say her good byes. A friend told me once that if they can smell the body, they know what happened and understand why and where she is. So we place Abby's body on the poolside lounge chair. Bella got up and smelled her from head to tail, then a quick lick (kiss) and she got down.
    My son then wrapped her in her favorite blanket and we buried her in her favorite sunning spot. From the day we brought her home to this house, daily she would sit in the same spot to sun. She is there now for all eternity.

    Friday night I cried so hard, looking at every thing that reminded me of her. I screamed that I was sorry I had to let her go, I cried myself to sleep. It is so hard, my heart aches, just to see her one more time. Bella is at loss. In 6 short weeks, her life has changed. Her other mother leaves, then her Big fur-sister goes with her, now Abby. It is just me and her against the world. I feel horrible for Bella, she has no clue what has happened the past 6 weeks.

    Sorry, to be going on and on, it is just that all of you would understand. My son said to me on Friday "it sucks that you have to go through so much right now" "it is horrible that you have been so hurt lately" funny how the tides change when your kids grow up.

    Thanks for listening.

    Always with me

  2. #2
    Bulldog Vet in Training bluesteelapd's Avatar
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    Default Re: My heart still aches

    Wow, I'm so very sorry to hear about your recent events! I worked for a hospice company for 6 years....so I know the ins and outs of how it works if you have ANY questions please let me know! And the pain from loosing your precious girl Abby. You've certainly had a lot of turmoil to say the least. I'm also sorry your partner left. I would be devastated if my partner left me! I wish I could say something that could help....Please know we're all thinking of you right now. I'm so very sorry!

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    Rescue Volunteer Rural mystic's Avatar
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    Default Re: My heart still aches

    My condolences. You were being selfless and did the best thing for Miss Abey. I feel honored that you shared your story and heartache with me, with this forum. She knew she was loved till the end. Would that every human and animal could know the same in this brief short life of our existence

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    Default Re: My heart still aches

    I am so sorry for your loss(es). I know the pain of losing such a wonderful 4-legged companion. It leaves a huge hole in your heart that ain't easily filled. My Trixie would have been 9 years old yesterday. Putting your dad in hospice just makes the hole bigger. I will keep you in my prayers for healing and strength. Bella will be a great source of comfort to you as you both work through the grief process. Talk with the hospice nurse or social worker. They may have some resources for you to help you. I worked as a hospice nurse. Part of my job was working with families to help them find peace with their losses. I will definitely be thinking about you.




    "Dogs have a way of finding the people who need them and
    filling an emptiness we didn't even know we had."




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    Default Re: My heart still aches

    I'm so very sorry for your loss. I'm currently at work reading your post with tears streaming down my face. Be strong, Bella needs you and your son needs you. There are better and brighter days ahead. I know I'm a stranger but I'm sending big huge hugs to you. Gloria, Bruno and Gidget. xxxx

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    Default Re: My heart still aches

    Leslie..sweet Leslie..first of all..you did the best for Abby. Not for you. It IS thee most unselfish act we can do for our babies. Second guessing yourself is normal, but waiting too long and not doing the hard thing is so much worse. Trust yourself and know Abby knows exactly how much she was loved.

    As far as your partner leaving..well, sadly the content of her character and the moral values she doesn't possess, are not something you can control. When my daughter went through this last year. You shared such warmth and caring for her and our family...you, my dear are the real deal. Your life has had a sucker punch given to it..but the sucker will lose in the end. Be strong as you need be..but let your heart heal. Abby will always be part of that heart.

    times a million!

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    Default Re: My heart still aches

    I'm sorry you're going through so much right now. I know that is one of the hardest things to ever do, and I totally understand you questioning yourself. Only you know when the time is right... even when you question yourself over and over afterward because its so HARD and its just not fair and you just didn't have enough time with her. I know we did the right thing we Aubrey, but do I still question our choices? All the time, mostly for selfish reasons to try and make myself feel better. It was hard with the short time we had with her, so I can't imagine if we'd had her to old age.

    Just know that Abby knew she was loved and will be waiting for you at the rainbow bridge when the time comes. We're all here for you.


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    Default Re: My heart still aches

    So sorry for your loss, but you did the right thing in letting her go, it was her time. You will always have her in your heart, and see her again at the Bridge.
    Have a Great Bully Day.
    Member of The Bulldog Club of America, The Bulldog Club of Texas and French Bulldog Club of America.
    Bully hugs from - BeBe, Hazel, Lucy Lu, JLO, Hillary, Henri & Katie


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    Default Re: My heart still aches

    dear Leslie, I sit here crying with you, and mourning the loss of your dear, sweet, beautiful Abby. It is normal for us as humans to second guess our actions during times of grief and loss. But I want you to know that you need not do that. What you did for Abby was selfless and now she is not in pain and at great peace. She's in Heaven, looking down at you, comforting you, licking your face. She knows how much you loved her and she knows, just by you being there and your motherly energy and being, that you were with her til her very last breath. Abby felt you there, she sensed you there, and even if you did not verbally say goodbye at that very last second, she KNEW you were there and that you loved her so much.

    Take good care of yourself, my friend. You know you have us here for you anytime.




  10. #10
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    Default Re: My heart still aches

    I'm so sorry! Abby was so lucky to have you and you her. I will hold my babies extra tight tonight and think of Miss Abby. I felt the same way when I decided to let my 15 yo Boston Terrier go, he'd had a hard life and I rescued him later on so I know that he had the best life possible in the end. Thank you for loving her so much!

  11. #11
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    Default Re: My heart still aches

    Leslie I am so very sorry! You've been through so much in such a short period of time. Know that Abby is with wonderful bullies over at Rainbow Bridge. You keep going on and on and post as many pictures as you need sweetie, it helps the heart heal to be able to eventually smile. Thinking of you much!! xxx
    Three Hooligans and 1 Angel - Wilson, Sally, Emma & Jack

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    Dog Park Attendant Tkelley's Avatar
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    Default Re: My heart still aches

    I am so sorry for your loss and heartache recently. It's. Such a hard decision to make when it comes to saying goodbye to our fur babies. Having gone thru this in January with my Babie dog I more than understand your feelings and the second guessing if it was right. I know you did the most selfless thing you could've done and I know that Abby knew you were there, are your love was never a question - she knew she was loved. Big hugs from me and Guinevere, you're in our thoughts

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